Tuesday, 21 February 2012


This week saw:

Sitting up properly. Unaided. Confident. No more wobbles!

And tasting foods.
Pineapple got the seal of approval. As did my buckwheat and rice flour crepes. (We are staying wheat and dairy free for a while yet.)

Sitting up really makes a big difference.

Today I packed away our bath float. This is how Beanie Bu used to take a bath:

And today this was her in the bath:

So much has changed in such a short time!

Thursday, 16 February 2012

The Truth

The truth can be a hard thing to share. And as I have learnt these past few months you should be careful who you tell your truth to. Especially if it involves the question 'So how does your baby sleep?' Which is more typically phrased 'So is she sleeping through the night yet?' One must consider a number of things before opening up. Especially if you attachment parent, co-sleep with your baby, BF your baby to sleep, let you baby BF whenever she wants etc. If you share too freely that your baby is still waking every 2 hours to feed and rarely falls asleep without sucking on you, chances are that if they don't share the same attachment-parenting philosophy, you will hear the response 'But she should be sleeping through the night by now.' Ugh. According to who? I feel like yelling! But I remain calm and say 'Well the pediatric definition of sleeping through the night is actually 5 hours straight'. But your baby isn't even doing that. I hear in reply. Sigh. This is of course true. And then the advice comes. It's because she's sleeping in the same bed as you, it's because you breastfeed her to sleep and on demand or it's because of all of the above! Just leave her to cry it out.


Now hear me internet. I love co-sleeping. I love breastfeeding my baby to help her relax and ready for sleep. I even love breastfeeding her in the middle of the night when she's hungry and needs to feed. I believe I am doing the right thing for her. It has made her the healthy, glowing, happy and trusting baby that she is today. It is good for us. I will NOT let her cry 'it' out. Whatever 'it' is. I will not pass judgement on those who parent differently, on anyone who feels adamant their baby-training Gina Ford type approach is the right thing to do. And I'm so very tired of judgements being passed on how people parent FULL STOP. Every family is different and we need to respect their choices. This is MY informed choice. I choose attachment parenting, co-sleeping and breastfeeding on demand, even in the middle of the night. But.

The waking every 2 hours is starting to wear thin now. I need more unbroken sleep. Beanie Bu needs more unbroken sleep. I felt angry and resentful for the first time the other night and I did not like feeling that way one bit. Especially after everything we went through to have her - and so I spent most of the day feeling guilty too. Ahh guilt. A mother's constant companion.

A few months ago I bought Elizabeth Pantley's 'No Cry Sleep Solution' I read a few pages and thought I'll try a bit of that and then did nothing about it. So I opened it again today and read it as Beanie Bu slept soundly next to me during one of her best day naps ever (1.5 hours in bed). I photocopied the nap and sleep logs and made a plan. Tonight I will just log her wakings and then figure out which feedings she actually needs and which she is using just to get back to sleep. And then will put our plan of action into, well... action! Hopefully this will give me the 5 hours unbroken sleep which I know will make me a better person/mother.

I will be sure to let you all know about our progress! Until then I will continue my strategy of concealing the truth: If I suspect the enquiring person may not share my AP parenting approach when they ask whether my baby sleeps through the night, or even the most awfully-phrased question 'Is she a good baby?' Errr.... what am I meant to say?... No she's a very bad baby. WTF? Babies can't be bad... so of course she's good... she's better than good she's perfect even when she is waking me 5 times a night! But instead of launching into that particular tirade I simply smile and say yes. Yes, she sleeps through the night. Like a log.

But now you guys know the truth.

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Six Months

On February 1st Beanie Bu turned 6 months. It was this time last year that I was wondering if I was going to see a baby alive and well on the ultrasound... I didn't even think about where I would be in a year's time if all went well. And how could I have possibly imagined her?

Beanie Bu is now 67 cm in height (length? she doesn't really seem vertical yet!) and 8.3 Kg in weight. Which just seems an impossibly large amount since she was born weighing 3.2 Kg six months ago!

Six months of growing overflowing love. Six months of looking into those eyes. Six months of breast feeding on demand. Six months of kissing those chubbing out cheeks. Six months of broken sleep. Six months of being amazed by what she can do. Six months of attachment parenting. Six months of baby in our bed. Six months of growing closer every single day. Six months of cloth nappies. Six months of waking up next to a smiling baby and forgetting for a moment how tired I am. Six months of elimination communication. Six months of learning and learning and there is still so much to learn. Six months of baby wearing. Six months of singing nursery rhymes at least 50 times a day. Six months of being defeated over bedtime. Six months of the most incredible never-change-it-for-a-second-most-demanding time of my life!

Monday, 30 January 2012

About Before

The blog makeover is marching onwards. Albeit at a rather delayed pace. I have just finished the 'Infertility Sucks' tab above - please let me know what you think.

It was very cathartic looking back over my old posts and reliving our journey to Beanie Bu. It was made all the more poignant by the fact that I wrote most of it while she was sleeping on my chest in her carrier. I remembered how lost and depressed I felt, how convinced I was that it would never happen for us, that I would never know what it would be like to be a mother. And yet here she is. Sleeping on my chest. My beautiful girl. More amazing than I could have possibly dreamt of. And I am a mother. Doing mama things 24-7. Am I tired? Hell yeah. Could I do with a month of uninterrupted sleep? Yes please! Am I complaining? No. Well maybe just a little...

While organizing my posts I shed a tear or two for the woman that I was. For the pain that I had felt these past years. The miscarriage posts made me tear up the most. Though I am overjoyed to have Beanie Bu, I still think of the Baby Bear that never quite was. Mr. T made a file with all our medical records, scans, test results, letters, everything to do with our TTC journey and he labelled it: The Long Road to Baby Bu. In the corner of the file he wrote 'Always with us in spirit: Baby Bear, Love Mum & Dad'. And I love that he did that. Though it catches my heart every time. And I stop to take a breath.

Inside this file is a poem I wrote. I don't remember when I wrote it but it was sometime down the path of infertility:

I love you already.
I love you with every inch of me.
I can already see your eyes
And hear your laughter.
I already know the joy you will bring to those around you.
There are so many who love you.
I know you are worth waiting for
And I will not stop praying for you.
When you come into this world, we will already know each other.
It will be as if time stopped and the world will be full of love.

Sunday, 15 January 2012

Rockin' Rollin' Splashin' Teethin' Baby

This has been an eventful week. Clear all potential hazards! Beanie Bu has started rolling every which way possible. When I look away from her playing on the floor she is never in the same position or same place as she was a few seconds before.

Where did you go baby?

She has also discovered splashing to her (and my) delight. She sits on me in the bath and slaps the water, as the water splashes over her face she looks surprised and then smiles with glee. Oh my heart. My proud joyful heart. Thump. Thump. Thump.

And now she has her two bottom teeth. She has been in some discomfort but I am convinced that her amber teething necklace has prevented her from being in any real pain. She wears it all day and we take it off at night. And it looks uber cute.

She hasn't cried in pain but has grumbled and she shouts a lot as the tooth is actually cutting. When I feel that the pain has been too bad for her I have given her homeopathic remedies including chamomila and mag phos. I have also given her calc carb for the second tooth as it took a while to come in and was more difficult than the first. I truly feel that this combination of the necklace wearing and the homeopathy is making the teething experience much more bearable for her. Luckily she hasn't had any fevers, just a little runny nose and some slight nappy rash that went after two days with a generous application of my favorite toxin-free and lanolin-free bottom balm!

More to come on homeopathy experiences and baby ailments and of course my attachment parenting journey soon! Bear with me I am just figuring out my time-to-myself-blogging schedule (does snatching a few minutes in the evening to watch the TV with my computer on my lap count as a schedule?) And I have also been working on my infertility sucks tab, it's half way there, so it should be posted soon (famous last words.. eek maybe I have jinxed it). Baby calling - so signing off now.

Sunday, 8 January 2012

Piecemeal Bits of Me

So my blogging resolution got off to a bad start. Mostly because Bu is teething, her first is already through and now the second one is making its way out. While she is not crying in pain she is more needy and only wants to sleep on or near me and wakes to suck more frequently. So as a result I haven't had a free evening since the new year and no time to blog. But Daddy morning to the rescue!

I have managed to finally write my About Me page on the new layout of my blog. Bit by bit I plan to get the pages written FINALLY! Time certainly takes on a whole new dimension with a baby. As they grow the time seems to fly by far too fast but a sleepless night can seem to last forever and there is never enough time in the day to accomplish all those 'to dos'. I have resolved this one by just making a very, VERY short daily to do list.

So as my time is ticking by ever so fast I will just share some photos I haven't shown anyone before. These were taken by a friend who is an amazing photographer when I was 35 weeks pregnant with Beanie Bu. They are very intimate and special to me and I hope one day to have them framed and hung in our still-under-construction-home. Now that's a subject where time seems to have stood still for far too long!

And this. Well this just seems a very long time ago:

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Resolute in 2012

I'm posting! Hallelujah! And therefore I'm beginning my new year resolutions right... now.

Which are:

1. Get back to regular blogging and develop this blog into a place for both infertility information and support and sharing my love of attachment parenting.

2. Start writing my new blog about mother-baby health with my mum who is a nutritional therapist. We feel so passionate about the connection between nutrition and health and get so angry when we hear about the dangerous pharmaceutical products mothers and babies are prescribed which only ever address the symptoms and not the root cause of their health problems. We regularly critique the conventional medical approaches to pregnancy, birth and babyhood and discuss the variety of other options available. So we decided we should start an informative blog and find a productive medium for our frustration!

3. Finish my sing and sign training so I can start teaching baby signing by April.

4. Go back to healthy eating for 12 weeks: no wheat, chocolate or desserts - starting tomorrow. I can feel my belly quivering at the thought but that belly jelly has got to go!

5. Be more understanding and kinder to my husband who is really rather amazing but tends to feel the sharper edge of my tongue whenever he puts Beanie Bu's diaper on wrong or forgets her socks or doesn't put her hat on when she goes out... I could write a neverending list. I have to learn to smile and say things gently. This is particularly hard when one is suffering from serious sleep deprivation. But he deserves kinder words regardless of how many hours of sleep I've had.

But most importantly I will give thanks. Thanks to the Universe.

Thank you 2011 for the most wonderful year. I became a mother. A mother to the most amazing little girl I could have ever wished for. I can't wait to spend this next year watching her grow from baby to toddler. So here's to 2012, to dreams coming true and keeping new year's resolutions. May you have a wonderful 2012 and may all you wish for come to you.

And Happy New Year from Beanie Bu!