Happy Halloween...

Since I don't get to celebrate Halloween because a. I live in Morocco and b. I'm just working too damn hard at the moment, I thought I'd share my favourite Halloween costumes with you...

So cute!!

On the baby front - I feel like I'm just too busy to even think about TTCing this month, so sadly and with a very heavy heart, I'll cross November off the calendar and hope for better luck next cycle. In the meantime, I'm wishing for good news from the rest of IF blogosphere.

Down By The Lake

Today I went to a shimmering blue lake. I stood by the shore staring out over the water. I wanted so much to dive in. But. I was hesitant. I forgot my swimsuit. Also it might be too cold. Maybe the ground would be too slimy. Or maybe it would be too sharp. And AF is in residence. So many reasons. So I resigned to just look and let my eyes swim in its blue.

But as I spent hours watching and watching, trying to read my book, but always being drawn to gaze out over the sparkling water. The desire to swim drew me to its shores once again. A friend lent me a swimsuit. I dipped my toe in. The temperature was perfect. One step followed another. Before I knew it the cool water reached my hips. And then I was swimming. I felt revived. Renewed. I felt the sadness and disappointment of this cycle wash away. It's as though the cool water cleansed my mind as well as my body. 

I feel ready to look toward the future. To keep trying. To start afresh. The beauty and vastness of the landscape reminded me that the the world has so much to offer. There is hope. Perhaps you too will understand why today was a good day...

Game Over

No baby this month. It's all over. And AF is one sneaky bitch. I got to 15 DPO and the cramps fell silent. So I went to the pharmacy and bought two pregnancy tests before work so I could test when I came home. But I shouldn't have even bothered. AF had me beat. 

Hours later the red lady sang her first note. And I cried the first of many hysterical tears last night. I still feel numb. Angry. Depressed. And just generally f@*ked off. I'm still fighting back tears as I try to process it all.

It's so hard to believe it will ever happen for us at times like these. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER repeats in my head. Did I ever believe it was really possible? I think some hypnotism would be good for me. I need to believe this can happen for us. I just can't believe something so amazing as being pregnant, could happen to me...? 

Another month, another cycle added to the steadily growing mountain of TTC months. Where am I at now? (Counting).. twenty. Twenty months. I HATE IF.

On Patrol

14 DPO. AF MIA. Permission to POAS? Negative. Ambush suspected. AF may attack at any moment. Be prepared. Be vigilant. AF is known to strike when least expected, when she has convinced you she poses no threat. Don't let down your guard soldier!

I'm Dreaming Of...

... two pink lines on a stick. No kidding. That's what my dream was about last night. It was so very real and the elation I felt so palpable that I woke up feeling happy and excited. But as I lay in bed processing this all, I thought to myself, here is where I go to the bathroom and find out that the fat red lady has begun her number. Because life is just that mean. But she hasn't. Yet. Though the cramps are growing stronger by the day.

In fact last night after my evening bath, I broke down. The cramps are just too strong and too familiar so I threw in the towel and had a good cry on Mr. T's shoulder. He kept telling me something about 'only 3 months since the embolization', 'are chances will get even better', 'we will have children in our lives one way or another'...... but I did not want to be consoled. I just want to be pregnant.

So I went to sleep with puffy eyes and a little sniffle on my chest and I dreamed. I dreamed of peeing on a stick and I dreamed of seeing two unmistakable pink lines. I dreamed and felt the rush of excitement as I showed it to Mr. T. He was overjoyed. As I raced around the house and woke up everyone (a weird assortment of people seemed to be staying at this house) to show them my two pink lines. In my dream I remember keeping the stick in the pocket of my jeans so I could show everyone, and to keep reminding myself it was true. And I woke up smiling. And then I remembered it was just a dream. Just a dream...

AF(?) cramps are coming stronger than yesterday. I feel like I'm kidding myself to cling on to hope that this may be something else. But it's not game over yet. The red lady hasn't sung a note. But I will carry my pads with me today. Because. IF has schooled me. In my dreams I can be a mother. In my dreams I can be pregnant. In my dreams I can even fly. But dreams are just dreams. Life is.. life can be.. mean. 

It Ain't Over....

..till the red lady sings. 12DPO, and I have cramps. Ugh. Not a good sign. But I won't believe it's over yet. Not yet. It ain't over till the red lady sings.

Catch 22

To have hope or not to have hope? That is the question. I'm 10 DPO and the moment of truth is just over the horizon. But I really feel like I'm in a catch 22 situation.

You see I convinced myself that not hoping too much, not having too much faith in it ever happening, was the best way to protect myself. But friends keep telling me how important it is to have hope and to use positive visualization. So in fact I have to believe I am pg, in order to make it happen, and that being negative may effect the outcome. But, but, I protest. I can't be positive, because if I am then I face the prospect of the even bigger disappointment if/when all is revealed, and I am not. Not being positive is my way of protecting myself. 

But it's not healthy. I know that. 

So what to believe? How to face the catch 22? Well... I have made up my mind. I think. I have decided that this cycle will be.... POSITIVITY! I might as well give it a go, right? I've even been doing positive visualization and little positive chants to myself:  I believe there is a little blasto settling into the lining of my womb, I believe my baby is starting its journey and is getting comfy in it's new home. Om.... positive visualization everyone. Say it with me. Om....

 And if I'm wrong? My heart will heal. It will have to. 

***

Apologies for my long blogging delays. I will be blogging less frequently in the next few weeks. I am coordinating a big event taking place next month and we are really getting down to the wire with all the planning and organizing that has to be done. I am working late nights and will be starting weekends soon. So please accept my apologies for not reading your posts as often as I would like. I will do my best to keep you updated and keep updated with you. Until then best of luck with all the TTCing!