... two pink lines on a stick. No kidding. That's what my dream was about last night. It was so very real and the elation I felt so palpable that I woke up feeling happy and excited. But as I lay in bed processing this all, I thought to myself, here is where I go to the bathroom and find out that the fat red lady has begun her number. Because life is just that mean. But she hasn't. Yet. Though the cramps are growing stronger by the day.
In fact last night after my evening bath, I broke down. The cramps are just too strong and too familiar so I threw in the towel and had a good cry on Mr. T's shoulder. He kept telling me something about 'only 3 months since the embolization', 'are chances will get even better', 'we will have children in our lives one way or another'...... but I did not want to be consoled. I just want to be pregnant.
So I went to sleep with puffy eyes and a little sniffle on my chest and I dreamed. I dreamed of peeing on a stick and I dreamed of seeing two unmistakable pink lines. I dreamed and felt the rush of excitement as I showed it to Mr. T. He was overjoyed. As I raced around the house and woke up everyone (a weird assortment of people seemed to be staying at this house) to show them my two pink lines. In my dream I remember keeping the stick in the pocket of my jeans so I could show everyone, and to keep reminding myself it was true. And I woke up smiling. And then I remembered it was just a dream. Just a dream...
AF(?) cramps are coming stronger than yesterday. I feel like I'm kidding myself to cling on to hope that this may be something else. But it's not game over yet. The red lady hasn't sung a note. But I will carry my pads with me today. Because. IF has schooled me. In my dreams I can be a mother. In my dreams I can be pregnant. In my dreams I can even fly. But dreams are just dreams. Life is.. life can be.. mean.
17 comments:
Oh Clare, seeing that first picture in my dashboard had me fooled at first- much like your dream. I've had so many of those dreams, and each one feels more and more real.
I always loathe the day I give in and carry a pad in my back pocket, but I haven't given up hope for you yet!
Hang in there lady!
I hope your dream comes true this month. I really, really do.
Ah hope, that fickle bitch. On the one hand, it's great that you had this very vivid, lovely dream and woke up happy, but on the other, well... coming back to earth is so much harder once you've allowed yourself to float above it.
My two cents: if you really want AF to come so that you know for sure either way, I suggest leaving the house with no pads or tampons; its only when I'm completely unprepared does she arrive.
I used to have those dreams too. Don't let the AF cramps worry you. I dont want to affect your feelings but each time I got pregnant I had AF crampy feelings.
Maybe it is the season of dreaming. But I am hopeul that yours will come true!
Good Luck!
Smithy is keeping everything crossed hang in there love
If you google "severe cramps" and "early pregnancy", you will keep your hope strong! It IS possible - dream away!!! I will be here, hoping for both of us!!
P.S. When is your beta scheduled for?
The only two times I have been pregnant I have dreamt of positive tests. Never happened when I wasn't! I have everything crossed!
Hang in there Clare, you can keep your spirits up. MrT is like MrBeep. You just need some time to keep on trying if this month isn't the one. I know it's hard to stay patient, but you are walking the right path, you'll make it to your dreamland.
My mother used to tell me that one day I would be a mother. After several years of TTC I had my doubts. I am now a mother after adopting and I can't believe my love could possibly be any stronger if I was his biological mother. Motherhood comes in all shapes and sizes and doesn't always happen the way we expected. Keep hope. You will be a mother.
Hope your dream is right and you're just one of those people who is totally faked out by AF-style cramps. Keep us posted!
Thanks so much for your comment and support!! It's so appreciated. Hang in there! I know how those pregnancy dreams can be both joyous and heart-wrenching at at once. Take care :)
*Sigh* I know, this really sucks.
I loved your comment about not wanting to be consoled and just wanting to be pregnant! Hopefully, you are experiencing the good cramps and you'll get your BFP soon.
hang in there Claire, I don't want to give false hope but I am another who was utterly convinced AF was arriving and got a BFP.
I really am hoping this is it for you.
I hope your dream is prophetic.
Someday that dream won't be a dream.
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