The truth can be a hard thing to share. And as I have learnt these past few months you should be careful who you tell your truth to. Especially if it involves the question 'So how does your baby sleep?' Which is more typically phrased 'So is she sleeping through the night yet?' One must consider a number of things before opening up. Especially if you attachment parent, co-sleep with your baby, BF your baby to sleep, let you baby BF whenever she wants etc. If you share too freely that your baby is still waking every 2 hours to feed and rarely falls asleep without sucking on you, chances are that if they don't share the same attachment-parenting philosophy, you will hear the response 'But she should be sleeping through the night by now.' Ugh. According to who? I feel like yelling! But I remain calm and say 'Well the pediatric definition of sleeping through the night is actually 5 hours straight'. But your baby isn't even doing that. I hear in reply. Sigh. This is of course true. And then the advice comes. It's because she's sleeping in the same bed as you, it's because you breastfeed her to sleep and on demand or it's because of all of the above! Just leave her to cry it out.
Noooooooooo!
Now hear me internet. I love co-sleeping. I love breastfeeding my baby to help her relax and ready for sleep. I even love breastfeeding her in the middle of the night when she's hungry and needs to feed. I believe I am doing the right thing for her. It has made her the healthy, glowing, happy and trusting baby that she is today. It is good for us. I will NOT let her cry 'it' out. Whatever 'it' is. I will not pass judgement on those who parent differently, on anyone who feels adamant their baby-training Gina Ford type approach is the right thing to do. And I'm so very tired of judgements being passed on how people parent FULL STOP. Every family is different and we need to respect their choices. This is MY informed choice. I choose attachment parenting, co-sleeping and breastfeeding on demand, even in the middle of the night. But.
The waking every 2 hours is starting to wear thin now. I need more unbroken sleep. Beanie Bu needs more unbroken sleep. I felt angry and resentful for the first time the other night and I did not like feeling that way one bit. Especially after everything we went through to have her - and so I spent most of the day feeling guilty too. Ahh guilt. A mother's constant companion.
A few months ago I bought Elizabeth Pantley's 'No Cry Sleep Solution' I read a few pages and thought I'll try a bit of that and then did nothing about it. So I opened it again today and read it as Beanie Bu slept soundly next to me during one of her best day naps ever (1.5 hours in bed). I photocopied the nap and sleep logs and made a plan. Tonight I will just log her wakings and then figure out which feedings she actually needs and which she is using just to get back to sleep. And then will put our plan of action into, well... action! Hopefully this will give me the 5 hours unbroken sleep which I know will make me a better person/mother.
I will be sure to let you all know about our progress! Until then I will continue my strategy of concealing the truth: If I suspect the enquiring person may not share my AP parenting approach when they ask whether my baby sleeps through the night, or even the most awfully-phrased question 'Is she a good baby?' Errr.... what am I meant to say?... No she's a very bad baby. WTF? Babies can't be bad... so of course she's good... she's better than good she's perfect even when she is waking me 5 times a night! But instead of launching into that particular tirade I simply smile and say yes. Yes, she sleeps through the night. Like a log.
But now you guys know the truth.
Why are people so judgy about parenting? I just don't get it.
ReplyDeleteDo whatever works for you. It may be different at different times.
A friend recommended the book 12 Weeks to 12 Hours or some such. She swears by it.
Good luck!
The one thing i have learned , as I now have a 2 year old boy, is do not compare your child to anyone elses and do not worry as long as your baby is healthy and happy and things are working in your home. My Mom said early on many women would start doing what you write about and tell me what we should be doing or why isnt your child sleeping through the night etc and I worried about what others thought or that our son should be sleeping better when he was younger.I tried it all, but he is who he is, and he just isnt the best sleeper so I go with his flow and hope he will sleep through the night, which he does sometimes and other nights he doesnt But looking back, I wish I just smiled and moved on because really no baby sleeps completely through the night especially if breast feeding or teething or wet diapers etc. You have nothing to worry about because it sounds like you have a great sleep system in place that you love and you are bonded with your baby which is the most important thing. I try not to tell too much so I dont get upset or have hurt feelings, I just try and remember I have to do my best for our son and do what works for me to maintain my marriage, job and household with me getting some sleep and staying healthy! You can go nuts with all the books and internet information, I say do what works for you and your child. Thanks for writing your blog, I loved reading it and your baby is gorgeous. Enjoy and dont worry everything falls into place.
ReplyDeletePeople have assvice, one way or the other, when it comes to babies. Case in point: My daughter wasn't waving at a cashier at the store once, and she asked how old she was, I told her, and she looked at me like my daughter was diseased and said her kids all waved way before that and I should do X, Y and Z for my daughter. Really? Who asked you? Sigh...
ReplyDeleteAnd totally off topic, but that sleeping baby on the cover of that book could be the cutest thing ever. :)
Oh yes, the sleep police, I know them well. It has been my experience that most of them, if they are mothers of young children themselves, eventually get their comeuppance when their next child is born and turns out to be different from the first and (gasp!) not inclined to sleep 8 hours through from age 3 weeks. We coslept until age 2 (and still do sometimes), and bf on demand throughout most of that time (I did eventually cut Eggbert off from the every 2-hour feedings at age 10 months, because it just wasn't working for me anymore), and guess what? She's FINE! Sometimes I think people are just making conversation when they say these things. It's a convoluted way of trying to show that they care. Either that or they're judgmental asses. Try to ignore them, hard as that can be.
ReplyDeleteDon't you just love how everyone thinks that ALL babies are alike and they ALL need to be on the same development schedule??!!
ReplyDeleteYou do what's best for you and your baby! Good luck witht he sleeping schedule.
I've been wanting to ask you about co-sleeping... I read such a great book on this subject. I'm still in the trenches and hoping one day I'll be blessed enough to try co-sleeping. But in the meantime, could you come out of the co-sleeping closet a bit more? I wish I could remember the name of the book now... it was about a tribe in South America and how they parent.
ReplyDeleteIt's impossible to resist giving advice I think. It's like a disease! You have to do what works for you and for the baby girl. You are the one that knows her best. I would not have gone down the same road but it doesn't mean I'm right and you are wrong (or vice versa!) the World is beautiful because we are different, imagine how boring if we were all the same, thinking the same etc.
ReplyDeleteOn the sleeping. One thing I have learnt is that it's all temporary. Baby sleeping through the night? Great, enjoy till it lasts as it may change (teething, cold/cough etc). Baby doesn't sleep through the night? It will happen just stick to a plan (whichever that is), let your husband help and get as much rest when you can. I do know people lie about the sleeping, not sure why. I never did, though it's undoubtedly annoying the type of comments you hear back if you don't give the "right" answer. Generally my answer is about the previous night so I would say "last night was a good/bad one!" and I leave it at that. My parents are the worse of all, they don't seem to wanting to hear that Oliver has not slept well (and they ask every day), if I say he hasn't they ask why...as if I know! and then of course a list of things I may have done to make him not sleep well and what I should/shouldn't do. Considering that we are both working full time and have no help, one night of broken sleep has a significant effect on our mood and comments are NOT well received!!
You are doing great, stand up for what you believe is right and tune out when the litany of suggestions starts! Much love, Fran
Thanks for sharing your experiences, whether there good, bad or ugly :) I enjoy reading how you and Beanie are doing.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah...that will hold back the truth, till genuine concern is there is a good strategy....My daughter is only little less than six weeks old, and I am being asked if she is too whiny or is 'too fond' of being held....blah!!!
ReplyDelete- St. Elsewhere
You are right on the money - every family parents differently. There isn't "right" and there isn't "wrong" when it comes to these things. There's what works for different people. It amazes me how forthcoming others are with advice and - more irritatingly - judgment.
ReplyDeleteWe also started keeping a feeding and sleep log and it helped tremendously. It helped me know when O is really hungry, and it helped me figure out when he was getting tired (even when there weren't the outward signs). Good luck, Clare!
I stumbled upon your blog during a random google search and I am so glad I did!! I think that fate sent me to your blog and to this post specifically. I have been feeling so overwhelmed with the judgments of others because my baby is 9 months old and is just starting to sleep through the night. We don't co-sleep, but I breastfeed on demand and have always nursed him to sleep. We have used The No Cry Sleep Solution and love it. It helped us so much in the beginning and helped us resist the pressure to let him cry it out. It turned out he had food allergies and reflux keeping him awake. Do people tell you to use Babywise? I think I might pass out in rage if one more person tells me to use that awful book!!!
ReplyDeleteI also read your birth story and absolutely loved it. I love that you had the courage to have your baby at home even after the difficulties of getting pregnant. I think a lot of women feel that they must give birth in a hospital if they had a hard time at all conceiving. We had our baby in a birthing center that was in an awesome old Victorian home, and we feel so blessed to have had such a spiritual experience. Thank you for sharing your beautiful life experiences! I feel supported just reading that you are going through similar things.
People can be such meanies.
ReplyDeleteI was asked about a thousand times, are they "good babies". ANd I usually replied, yes, they haven't committed any crimes to date, but they're not walking yet, so we will see.
If I got the sleep through the night question I too was embarrassed, mortified, I have twins, they will turn 2 in May and they on occasion sleep through the night. But often don't. And we sleep trained (ferber at 6 months), but if they are going through developmental milestones, they won't sleep through the night, they need their parents).
I read that book, and know of others that have had luck with it, so good luck! If you want to read another book, get Bed Timing from the library, it's fantastic (it doesn't provide methods or anything like that, but explanations for how a baby is feeling/thinking as they develop and has been a huge comfort to me).