The Pitter-Patter

Rockin' Rollin' Splashin' Teethin' Baby

2012-01-15T23:15:00.000Z

This has been an eventful week. Clear all potential hazards! Beanie Bu has started rolling every which way possible. When I look away from her playing on the floor she is never in the same position or same place as she was a few seconds before.

Where did you go baby?

She has also discovered splashing to her (and my) delight. She sits on me in the bath and slaps the water, as the water splashes over her face she looks surprised and then smiles with glee. Oh my heart. My proud joyful heart. Thump. Thump. Thump.

And now she has her two bottom teeth. She has been in some discomfort but I am convinced that her amber teething necklace has prevented her from being in any real pain. She wears it all day and we take it off at night. And it looks uber cute.

She hasn't cried in pain but has grumbled and she shouts a lot as the tooth is actually cutting. When I feel that the pain has been too bad for her I have given her homeopathic remedies including chamomila and mag phos. I have also given her calc carb for the second tooth as it took a while to come in and was more difficult than the first. I truly feel that this combination of the necklace wearing and the homeopathy is making the teething experience much more bearable for her. Luckily she hasn't had any fevers, just a little runny nose and some slight nappy rash that went after two days with a generous application of my favorite toxin-free and lanolin-free bottom balm!

More to come on homeopathy experiences and baby ailments and of course my attachment parenting journey soon! Bear with me I am just figuring out my time-to-myself-blogging schedule (does snatching a few minutes in the evening to watch the TV with my computer on my lap count as a schedule?) And I have also been working on my infertility sucks tab, it's half way there, so it should be posted soon (famous last words.. eek maybe I have jinxed it). Baby calling - so signing off now.

Piecemeal Bits of Me

2012-01-08T11:09:00.002Z

So my blogging resolution got off to a bad start. Mostly because Bu is teething, her first is already through and now the second one is making its way out. While she is not crying in pain she is more needy and only wants to sleep on or near me and wakes to suck more frequently. So as a result I haven't had a free evening since the new year and no time to blog. But Daddy morning to the rescue!

I have managed to finally write my About Me page on the new layout of my blog. Bit by bit I plan to get the pages written FINALLY! Time certainly takes on a whole new dimension with a baby. As they grow the time seems to fly by far too fast but a sleepless night can seem to last forever and there is never enough time in the day to accomplish all those 'to dos'. I have resolved this one by just making a very, VERY short daily to do list.

So as my time is ticking by ever so fast I will just share some photos I haven't shown anyone before. These were taken by a friend who is an amazing photographer when I was 35 weeks pregnant with Beanie Bu. They are very intimate and special to me and I hope one day to have them framed and hung in our still-under-construction-home. Now that's a subject where time seems to have stood still for far too long!

And this. Well this just seems a very long time ago:

Resolute in 2012

2012-01-01T22:00:00.001Z

I'm posting! Hallelujah! And therefore I'm beginning my new year resolutions right... now.

Which are:

1. Get back to regular blogging and develop this blog into a place for both infertility information and support and sharing my love of attachment parenting.

2. Start writing my new blog about mother-baby health with my mum who is a nutritional therapist. We feel so passionate about the connection between nutrition and health and get so angry when we hear about the dangerous pharmaceutical products mothers and babies are prescribed which only ever address the symptoms and not the root cause of their health problems. We regularly critique the conventional medical approaches to pregnancy, birth and babyhood and discuss the variety of other options available. So we decided we should start an informative blog and find a productive medium for our frustration!

3. Finish my sing and sign training so I can start teaching baby signing by April.

4. Go back to healthy eating for 12 weeks: no wheat, chocolate or desserts - starting tomorrow. I can feel my belly quivering at the thought but that belly jelly has got to go!

5. Be more understanding and kinder to my husband who is really rather amazing but tends to feel the sharper edge of my tongue whenever he puts Beanie Bu's diaper on wrong or forgets her socks or doesn't put her hat on when she goes out... I could write a neverending list. I have to learn to smile and say things gently. This is particularly hard when one is suffering from serious sleep deprivation. But he deserves kinder words regardless of how many hours of sleep I've had.

But most importantly I will give thanks. Thanks to the Universe.

Thank you 2011 for the most wonderful year. I became a mother. A mother to the most amazing little girl I could have ever wished for. I can't wait to spend this next year watching her grow from baby to toddler. So here's to 2012, to dreams coming true and keeping new year's resolutions. May you have a wonderful 2012 and may all you wish for come to you.

And Happy New Year from Beanie Bu!

Blog Evolution

2011-11-10T15:50:00.003Z

Watch this space. Blog makeover in progress.

Two Months

2011-10-01T21:20:00.002Z

My Beanie Bu is two months old today! I can't believe two months has gone by since she made her grand entrance into this world. And, Ladies, I can't believe that T-O-D-A-Y a certain person made her return. Yes Aunt Flo has started her visits again! Isn't that too soon? I mean I BF on demand and everything... I thought I still had a few months before I had to start dealing with all that... no such luck!!

Anywizays....what I wanted to share with you was some photos and film of my Beanie Bu:

She's quite the smiler now!

She's got good head control already.

And is getting quite chubby!

Two New Mamas

2011-09-28T11:45:00.002Z

It's been over a month since I last posted but I know you understand. I have had my hands rather full of baby and everything that baby produces.... I also wanted to fully immerse myself in her - just totally give my time and my focus so I could get to know her and just enjoy these all too fleeting newborn moments. But I missed posting. And I kept thinking up ideas for new posts that I promised myself I would eventually get round to. That's when I realized a lot of what I wanted to write about I already had, with another new mama.

My Gorgeous Friend had an adorable baby girl about a month after Beanie Bu was born. Our communication started off just as congratulations for our new arrivals and then just like that we were emailing back and forth about our baby experiences, how we were feeling and how we were adapting. I've been in contact with a lot of friends who are experienced mamas but there was something about talking with someone who is living what you are at the same time as you are. There's an immediate connection and understanding. So I thought sharing some excerpts of our emails would be an interesting way of showing you what life's been like for two new mamas.

It starts with Gorgeous Friend emailing first:

Born today after 36 hours of labour, weighing 8.9lbs. She is pretty magical and currently sleeping in Daddy’s arms.

I love her name! Can't wait to see pics... you did it mama. And boy did you do it! Respect xxx

Despite the pain I think it was undoubtedly the best experience of my life, totally rocked my whole world...

Found it really moving that you said it was the best experience of your life - not sure I felt the same, I think I felt total shock! If you have some time I wrote my birth story but be warned it is no holds barred, so probably best not to read it while you're eating ;)

I look forward to hearing all about yours - I would really recommend you write it down, very cathartic and good to look back on in the years to come.

Just read your birth story - incredible, so moving. I ended up being really high risk as blood press shot up super high for the whole labour and the waters had meconium in them. Had an epidural after 30 hours but managed to get her out without intervention which made me so so happy. The epi only worked on half of one side so I could feel the contractions there and knew when to push, which was important in the end. Had a witches coven of incredible midwives, one of whom had delivered 1000 babies herself. At one point a doctor came in with the ventouse and they just started shouting "come on, push! We won't let him near you!" wonderful. She came out in a rush 2 minutes before they were going to intervene (I only had a limited time because of the BP.) Anyway, horribly painful and exhilarating all at once. Yours sounded pretty extraordinary and I think you're so brave.

Wow good on you and your midwives for beating the ventouse! Sounds really incredible and that you had an amazing group of midwives around you. I love the feeling of all the women coming together as support and encouragement - im sure it's a rare thing in today's modern birthing environment.

Beanie Bu has just gotten over a bad spell of colic - it lasted three days, the infa.col didn't seem to be working but now has started to and we had our first day yesterday with no colic pains and she is back to her happy self. So heart breaking when she was crying..

You're probably living on another planet right now... life without normal routine and other daily markers is a very strange experience indeed.

After two days of bliss (her sleeping for three hours in the day and five at night and feeding like a dream) things have gone a bit awry with her now wanting to "cluster feed" (as I learned it was called today) every hour or so and she just vomited her entire last feed which really scared me. Did Bu ever do that? She's sleeping now, poor girl.

Glad that the colic episode has cleared up and that it wasn't too long. Gosh, can't wait to pick your brain about stuff! The whole loss of routine thing is totally, totally bizarre. Actually, I think I might find it the hardest part. I keep thinking "I must be doing... something normal - like working or shopping or having lunch out, seeing people..." and then I realised (having dipped for the first time into my baby book) that these are such precious and I guess relatively short-lived moments, when it's all about feeding, just the two of you. And so I've resolved to just sink myself deeply into it, let go of everything else and do whatever makes her happy.

Anyway, better go as she's going to want eating soon - I can hear her smacking her lips!

Ah the joys of cluster feeding! So exhausting :s Thankfully Bu has only done it twice so far... and after a while when I can't go on anymore, Mr. T takes her for a walk in the sling to distract her for a bit and I crash until they come back - this happened on our 8 year anniversary of when we met and I told him the hour sleep he gave me was the best anniversary present I ever had!!

She usually cluster feeds in the evening now just before bedtime, I figure this is her way of getting a full tummy before her night sleep. And yes she has spit up or rather exorcist style puked up entire feeds… i found that keeping her torso elevated after feeds rather than lying down flat kept more down. Though she still manages to spit up a lot....

Nice to cocoon yourself after the birth - it feels like you should do stuff because you get bursts of energy, but the most helpful thing I read was that this energy is meant to be saved not spent. And there is plenty of time after to meet people etc.. and soon enough a loose routine emerges, though it's nothing like the life we knew before!! I know every baby and every family is different but for Bu and I, our routine worked out around the 3^rd week and it's been evolving and solidifying since. Our really important times are the afternoon nap between 12-3 (though she has lots of cat naps before and after) but this is the time I sleep too, and then the long night sleep between 10-3am and then 4-6/7am. Our mornings are the busiest with lots of feeds, poops and play time all happening interspersed with cat naps before our long afternoon nap which I really need by then!

Wow, sounds like you're in an amazing routine already. 10-3 and 4-6 is fantastic! I hope we can get there soon. Had small meltdown yesterday when she just wouldn't settle and I ended up feeding her pretty much for two hours, which then made me worry that I'm not producing enough milk, which is why she's not settling and feeding for so long. It's so hard to tell and I'm probably making it worse by eating not as much as I should perhaps because of tiredness and worry.

Glad that the projectile vomiting is normal and thank you for tip about keeping her upright, will do that.

I'm sure you're producing plenty of milk - if your boobs drip or leak at times, then you definitely are. She's probably just preparing for a growth spurt so she's placing her order with your brain for increased milk supply in the days ahead. I have had quite a few meltdowns - it just gets to a point when you are too frazzled to go on... that's when i find a sling comes in handy! She protests for a few mins then soon falls asleep, as babies less than 1 month (usually!) cannot keep awake with motion. Though it's best if Mr. T does it as if she is still close to my chest, the lure of the milk makes it harder to settle.

Sleeping and eating are so difficult when you don't get a moment to yourself, and yet it's so important... grrr... i have kept up with my prenatal vitamins, as they help with the quality of the milk too. And when people come to visit us I always ask them to bring food!! Ha ha ha! It's the best gift they could offer at this point! Though with the sling and her getting into more of a routine I have managed to tentatively do some cooking - even a chocolate cake which I was most proud of and *sheepishly* ate most of.... though i didn't lift a finger for the first two weeks, just totally impossible.

Thanks for the reassurance on the whole boob thing. I am definitely leaking, so I guess that's a good sign. I'm actually going to start expressing one bottle a day so that Daddy can feed her and she gets used to being bottle fed early on so no traumas later. Trying to figure out how / when to do that now... It's so much more complicated than you imagine it to be, but she more than makes up for it. I am totally totally smitten by her - more than I expected to be so early on - and Daddy is just as in love, more so even!

Hope the passport application is done quickly for you. How was the photo drama? I could not get Bu to stop lifting her hands up into the picture and then she fell fast asleep... but we managed to get one photo of her eyes half open but looking to the side and we got one full face looking forward but with eyes closed. We showed them both to the Brit Embassy and they took the eyes half open picture - where she looks drugged!

I'm very proud as we have just done our first spot of mummy baby yoga! She only managed 5 mins before she fell asleep though :) So I continued on my own... wow my body feels totally unfamiliar! Everything feels out of place and like it needs to be realigned, so glad I can finally get back into it as normal yoga is out of bounds for first 6 weeks after birth apparently, so I just started back today with gentle postnatal yoga. I feel like there's a long road ahead....

Anyway I also plan to start pumping a few bottles of milk so Mr. T can connect with Bu this way.. he has been out of it a bit and so as a result doesn't feel so confident with her. We've decided to introduce Daddy mornings/afternoons next week, and he is a little apprehensive about it, I can tell. I was told to hold off on the bottle until at least 6 weeks so that BF is really well established and there is no nipple confusion... don't know if that's important info for you, but I decided to wait until then before giving her the bottle. And then with her colic episode I've decided to wait a bit longer. So at 8 weeks, Mr. T is going to get his first full on morning with her - it really is her best time and i feel bad for him as he always misses out on these magic moments I have with her. I plan on making myself scarce so he doesn't feel like I am watching how he is with her and he can be free to explore things that work for him. And hopefully we can move up into a whole Daddy day once a week... then i can do all the things I am desperate to do - straighten hair, pedicure, leg wax... ahh bliss!

P.S Bu had a crying fit of 20 mins last night, not sure if it was colic or because I accidentally scratched her with my fingernail (how evil did I feel?), but she produced real tears for the first time! Which I have to say made it worse!! Seeing those little wet cheeks... i think a little piece of my heart actually broke off. Sigh.

Gosh, the passport thing! I was really nervous because she hates being woken up from a sleep and after a feed she's pretty much out like a light but we managed to wheel her very fast to the photo place and she was all swaddled up so just stared angelically at the camera (I think she's a bit of a diva) and that was that! Not what I expected.

Well done you for starting with the whole yoga and baby yoga thing - you're like a super mum! Haven't started thinking about exercise yet - not sure where to find the time. I feel like my days go by in a blur of eating and nappies and burping and then trying to catch an hour or two of sleep and then it starts all over again.

We just had a maternity nurse over for the day, who was amazing - she's helped loads of friends and also my sister. She's given us a whole routine, which seems perhaps a bit much after only 10 days, but I think maybe worth giving it a go as I'm really keen for her to be a good sleeper. Where did you get your routine from? Was it Jane or did Bu naturally fall into it?

So, we've already started on the bottles. In hospital I had to top her up with formula because of the light treatment for her jaundice (they have to eat and eat and eat when having it) and she cup fed for that, which she was amazingly good at. Now we do one bottle of formula a night, which Daddy gives her. Sometimes she hates it and just wants boob, sometimes (usually when it's the middle of the night) she happily guzzles 3oz and passes out. I was in a real dilemma about a) using a bottle from so early and b) using formula, but I know lots of people who've split it and it seems to be good to help with the whole transition to formula and bottle once you stop breastfeeding. I will start expressing (when my bloody pump arrives) though and we'll probably use more breastmilk from the bottle than formula then (unless I'm running low at the end of the day and she needs a top up). All seems very confusing, but just trying to muddle through and keep her as peaceful and happy as possible.

P.S from your photos it looks like Bu sleeps ALL the time! Is that the case??

No definitely not! It only takes a second to take a photo... and that's when i have time or someone else does to snap a pic!!

Basically Bu catnaps a lot. She has her main sleeps at night and then one 3 hour nap in the middle of the day and either side of that she catches naps that can last 5 mins to 45 mins... there's no pattern to it and I would rather let her go with the flow... if she needs to sleep then I let her sleep. Unless we are getting close to nap time then i try to keep her awake until then. However this won't always be the case as little by little I try to introduce a bit more structure, so eventually there should be more of a routine to this. But I don't want to start too young and I basically let her lead how the routine will go. So if I see there's a certain time she usually likes to feed or sleep or is awake and wants to be entertained then I try and remember it and copy that every day to reinforce it. But don't worry as I had absolutely no routine at all until the 3rd week and then it was more trial and error, I kept a notebook and tried to write down any patterns I saw. Sometimes this was hilarious as I would write 10.30am Asleep, 10.35am Awake, Fed, Changed, 11.00am Asleep, 11.15am Awake and on and on!! But there were some useful patterns, ones that I thought worked for both her and me and so I tried to repeat those. I also only focused on certain sections of the day and night at the beginning - so night time came first, then the mid day cat nap and now I am working on a morning routine. Lots of observation and patience! And I also have to remember to be fluid the routine will change as she does.

The one thing that has really helped me into the whole observation thing is something called Elimination Communication. Basically it's a natural toilet training alternative.. you can check it out online.. but because I have been observing Bu's times and cues for when she wants to poo, it has helped me to naturally observe her other patterns too. Now I know always when she is going to poo and so we have been catching them in a potty outside of her nappy (or on the changing mat if I can't get to the potty fast enough!! Btw our potty is just a tupperware container - small enough for her little bottom!) A lot of people don't start EC until later - but I loved the idea of observing my baby and developing this kind of communication early on, and over time it became so clear that she would poo at certain times (always during a feed for her!) I also got a book called Diaper-Free baby which is all about EC and they gave some really good clues about when newborns usually do a poo. So I built her routine around this.

I would love to know more about the maternity nurse - im sure she was a treasure of information! So do please share any tips you thought were really useful. Which breast pump did you get? I started to use mine without reading the instructions first - Doh! - not the best idea!! Nipple went into a very weird shape :s

Finding time for exercise is extremely difficult. But dont worry as they dont advise you doing anything until 6 weeks anyway, except for simple pelvic floor squeezes which I did while feeding (when I remembered!). And now I only get 15 or 20 mins of exercise anyway, which is enough for the moment... it's so hard to find a time when she is going to stay a sleep and I don't need to do something else or have just eaten and so have a full belly. But patience, patience... i'll figure it out somehow!

so, breast pump... I have to say, just expressing for two bottles'worth a day (which is what I'm doing) I would find exhausting and way too time consuming doing it manually. The electric pump takes 15-20 mins to do 5oz and you can just sit there and do emails or watch TV while it's happening. It's so much more efficient. I know it's a lot of money but if you're planning on expressing regularly for a long period of time, I think it's worth it. God, I sound like a cheap saleswoman, don't I? Anyway, absolutely no rush in deciding and if you're happy with the manual, stick with it!

Thanks for thinking of us for the breast pump - I may be interested... I have been pumping milk this week with my Medela manual and we are going to start with the bottle tomorrow as part of 'Daddy mornings' if all goes well and she has no problem with the bottle then I might want to get an electrical one. So.. can you give me a couple of days to let you know?

Really looking forward to seeing you three again, will be nice to hang out with people who are going thru what we are too!

P.S I went for my 6 week check up and Dr. B asked, so in 6 months you will be trying again? I was like WTF?? No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 years maybe!!!

Forgot to say good luck with the daddy morning! Daddy N and Baby Girl absolutely adore their feeding time together - so magical to see and so special for them. Daddy N is also an absolute genius with burping! Can't believe Dr. B was talking about more babies!! Daddy N brought it up yesterday - "so, in 9 months' time shall we try again?" I nearly smacked him.

Well Daddy morning wasn't a complete success... Bu did not like the bottle experience! We tried a number of things... different positions, different teats but when I saw it becoming too distressing we stopped. I tried later on when she was in the car seat and she did suck a couple of times but still did not look impressed and soon pushed it out of her mouth.

I have since come up with a new plan! I'm going to leave the room, so she can't see or smell me, and let my mum try feeding her with a bottle when she's not very hungry, like it's a treat, and see how she feels... I think it's best if my mum does it first as Mr T gets disheartened quickly and well my mum's done it all before... so we'll see how it goes. So for the time being I'm going to stick with the manual as I am only expressing 50ml a day which takes just a few mins... but thanks for thinking of me! I may regret the decision later on... if she does start drinking from the bottle well but I just can't imagine it at the moment.

I'm sorry that Daddy morning didn't work out - yet. It will, I'm sure, you just need to persevere and I think really good idea to have your mum do it and also not be there.

It's really hard (and upsetting) when they don't like the bottle and I had a real panic today with Daddy N gone as it was the first time I gave her the bottle since the first time I tried and she had a complete meltdown. It is massively confusing for them, it seems, but she thankfully did take it from me (I wore several layers and didn't look her in the eye!) so if she'll do that then Bu will definitely take it from Mr. T eventually. Tell him not to be disheartened - I know how he feels, but it's so worth it and so worth keeping trying.

We have finally booked out flights back. Am so, so excited. Cannot wait to be home and to see you guys and everyone else, who we've missed so much!

Daddy N is there now - in a whirlwind of cot buying and tumble dryer buying and nappies and everything that we don't have. All we have is a steriliser so the house is totally unprepared for Baby Girl, but we're getting there. I am a sucker for having her in bed with us (and always take her in in the afternoons for serious snuggle time) but I do want her to learn to sleep by herself and I also find it really hard sleeping with her snuffly noises, which either break my heart or make me worry...

Conversations to be continued....

Boobgate

2011-08-22T20:45:00.000Z

This is how one of my friends referred to my mastitis incident – it was one of the few things that made me laugh at that time so I thought it was a good title for this post!

Bubba enjoying the boob.

I (and boob) are totally better now and breastfeeding is going well – though my brain has not quite adapted me to waking up in the middle of the night to feed baby and be a functioning adult at the same time. I am still a delirious zombie when woken between the hours of midnight and 6am (at one of my night feeds I was convinced there were two Mr.Ts in my room and much to Mr.T's confusion I kept asking for the other Mr. T to come and see me). Then there was Boobgate to add to all of the post birth healing. But before I get to the ‘Boobgate’ incident, I want to start at the beginning of my breastfeeding experience. This is a bit of a long-winded post but I thought this story might be useful and hopefully prevent anyone making the same mistake I did.

On the day Beanie Bu was born (I am now going to refer to Pebbles as Beanie Bu – this is her IRL nickname) Jane, my midwife, put her on to my breast to feed for the first time. I was surprised that it didn’t hurt at all and actually felt nice, plus it was the most incredible bonding experience between me and my new baby. After this 20 minute feed Beanie Bu did not want to eat for the rest of the day. I tried to get her to latch on, which she did, but she did not suck. Jane explained that a lot of newborns are not born hungry and that we should just give her time. She did one meconium explosion (I had no idea a tiny baby could contain so much in a her little belly) and I thought she would soon get hungry. But the next day she was still not wanting to feed. Jane came to see us and said we should really try and get her to feed as it had been 24 hours since her last. She said we were going to have to ‘bully’ her a little to get on to the breast. Jane held Beanie Bu’s head and my breast and gently got her to open her mouth wide and then latch on. Beanie Bu was very good at latching on but when she’d done that she would do nothing with it! She would just go back to sleep with my nipple in her mouth. We took off her clothes and we tickled her feet to try and get her to wake up, but she still would not suck. We must have tried to get her to suck for about half an hour. No joy, she was not cooperating. Jane said that sometimes babies can get in a downward spiral of drowsiness and not eating, which makes them more drowsy etc. She also wanted Beanie Bu to get the vitally important colostrum before my milk came in. So as Beanie Bu was not feeding, Jane decided we should drop my colostrum in her mouth with a syringe. She milked my breast (such a weird experience! We joked that it was a good thing Mr. T wasn’t filming this as no doubt it would be an internet sensation on some websites!) and she used the syringe to suck up the drops of colostrum that came out. She then gently squeezed them into Beanie Bu’s mouth making her use her tongue to lick the syringe. We did this over and over until we couldn’t get any more colostrum out of my breasts. And I am so grateful we did.

Colostrum has a natural laxative effect on babies so it helps them to expel all the meconium in their bowels. Maybe an hour or so after doing this Beanie Bu had another huge meconium explosium. And after this she became HUNGRY! So it was probably her full meconium belly that meant she had no appetite. I am so grateful to Jane for being there to help me through those beginning days as I think had I been on my own, I would have really worried that I was doing something wrong. That I didn’t have milk, that the latch wasn’t correct, that there was something wrong with my baby….endless worries that a new mother can easily become overwhelmed with. But having Jane there (who is also a lactation consultant as well as a midwife) was so helpful – I could just put my trust in her and that was invaluable. She stayed with me for 10 days after Beanie Bu was born and got me through the drama that lay ahead.

So Beanie Bu began to feed. And all went well. She latched on well, she fed well, (with a little encouragement from me squeezing and tickling her feet when she began to drop off to sleep, which she did every few minutes!) and all was happy in the Mummy-Baby-Milk-Love circle. My milk came in and my breasts became swollen and really really hot, they leaked everywhere but again Jane reassured me that with feeding and a little time they would soon settle down. I used cold compresses to cool them down, cabbage leaves from the fridge for relief and when it got too much I would stand under a hot shower and massage my breasts to let some of the milk run out.

I experimented with different feeding positions as I could feel there were some hard lumps where a milk duct had become blocked, so we did the cross feed hold, the cradle hold, the underarm hold (which was great for blocked ducts, as they always seem to come on the outer side of my breasts) and the side lying position. I especially love the side lying position at night. Baby feeds while we are both lying down so she can just drift off to sleep when she is finished and so can I. When she is done I gently remove my breast from her mouth, shift back a little to give her more space and we both drift off into a beautiful and much needed sleep. (Last night she gave me 5 hours of sleep in one stretch! From midnight to 5am before she needed her next change and feed, thank you Beanie Bu!!) But as much as I love this position it was in this position that I did something stupid and really really paid for it after.

I wanted to feed Beanie Bu and have a nap after. I was super tired. My breasts were still engorged from my milk coming in but were starting to get better. I decided that I wanted to elevate Beanie Bu a little and since she had peed on her lambskin, I took out the wool mattress from her moses basket. This is quite thick and firm. So while we did our side lying feed the outer side of my right breast was pressed hard against this firm mattress. When I had finished feeding I lifted myself off the mattress and the pain start spreading across that side of my breast. Oh that was a stupid thing to do, I thought, well I won’t be doing that again. And I thought nothing more of it. Now that day would have to be the day I chose to do my first socializing. Beanie Bu was just 6 days old and we had organized a reunion dinner for my birthing team that evening at our house. I should have suspected something was wrong when I started to feel a little peaky. But I dismissed it as just as tiredness. I started feeling really ill during the dinner. But I again I dismissed as just tiredness and I excused myself and went to take a bath with Beanie Bu.

She does love bath time.

I was in the bath with Beanie Bu floating around and feeling more relaxed, when Beanie Bu decided to do a poo. I know breastfed baby poo is not like normal poo so I wasn’t totally freaked out, but my tears had not yet healed and my lady bits still felt very sore so I wanted to get out of the bath quick. I called out for some help but no one heard me. I couldn’t lean over the bath as I was frightened I would hurt my breasts again and so I decided to get out myself holding Beanie Bu. As I got out of the bath I began to shake uncontrollably. Like I was freezing. But it must have been at least 28C in the room. I was so terrified as I felt like I was going to drop her and I was in total shock at my body’s reaction. I placed Beanie Bu on a towel on the floor – convinced she was freezing too but I couldn’t do anything about it as I was shaking so much. I began to sob and made my way to the door – naked, wet and crying, calling for help – my mum heard me and came in. I somewhat hysterically asked her to look after the baby, that we were freezing and that I couldn’t stop shaking. My mum went to Beanie Bu and reassured me that she was fine, that she wasn’t cold – that it was me who was sick, not her. She got me to sit down as I cried my heart out, mostly out of shock and fear for my baby. Jane came in and gave me a great big hug. She asked me about my symptoms, I explained to her about the shaking, the fever, the achiness all over my body and she felt my lower abdomen and ruled out an infection there. I told her about what I had done to my breast that afternoon and how it was aching now – she was sure that one of the alveoli (the sacs that hold the milk) had burst and the milk had gone into my breast tissue. As the milk is not meant to be in the breast tissue the body goes into shock and you get fever etc. Jane explained that one of the most common misconceptions about mastitis is that it is an infection – it is not. It is an inflammation, which CAN eventually lead to infection requiring antibiotics, but at this stage I was dealing with inflammation so no antibiotics were needed. What I needed was plenty of rest and to get the milk to move through the breast. That night Mr. T said he would sleep in the living room with Beanie Bu and only bring her to me when she needed feeding.

As I was sweating and shaking so much Jane suggested I take some paracetamol to take the fever down so I could sleep. I was in so much pain and so tired that I agreed (I haven’t taken any painkillers in the last 3 years). She reassured me that it wouldn’t affect my milk or the baby. And oh did I sleep! Mr. T came in with Beanie Bu a couple of times for a feed, which my swollen breasts were very grateful for! When I awoke in the morning my breasts were still sore, particularly the right one, but I wasn’t aching anymore. I spent the day in bed resting as much as I could, I couldn’t do much as bending down or stretching my arms really increased the pain in my breasts. So I needed everyone else to change her, to get me food and drink, to comfort her and to put her to sleep. That night I couldn’t sleep as my brain was racing – I felt so guilty for not being able to take care of my baby, I was angry at myself for damaging my breast and getting myself into this situation – I couldn’t believe I had got mastitis, WTF?? I skipped reading that part of the breastfeeding book as I was like yeah, that will never happen to me!

I had the aircon on and the fan directed at me but I was still lying in so much sweat, the fever had come back, and I just couldn’t sleep even though I was exhausted. The only thing that made me relax and eventually fall asleep was when Mr. T came in and put his arms around me – I hadn’t realized how much I had missed his touch, his affection, it seemed like ages since we had any physical contact and it instantly relaxed me and allowed me to sleep. Even mothers need cuddles I realized!

The next day I was feeling better but the breast was still very painful. So on lovely TCM lady’s suggestion I started using hot castor oil compresses – these were amazing and I believe they sped up the healing process significantly. Apparently castor oil actually penetrates the lymphatic tissue and so helps the breast to heal faster. But another drama lay ahead. I had been feeding Beanie Bu as much as I could on the right breast to keep the milk moving and get rid of the swelling though I was careful to also give her the left one so that didn’t become engorged too. But that evening I put her on my right breast, she began to suck and then pulled away and started screaming. I tried again and again but she just kept getting upset. At first I thought something was wrong with her, so I tried my left and she was fine. She began sucking and was immediately contented. So something was wrong with my right breast – did the milk taste bad? I turned to my breastfeeding bible –

And read that when your breasts are really engorged you can have a slow let down, so baby gets frustrated that the milk is not coming down quickly enough. What could I do? This was the breast that I really needed her to drink from, if the milk didn’t move it would get even worse. So I knew I had to pump. After we managed to figure out how the pump actually worked (this involved me, Mr. T, my mum and my dad!) I began to pump my breast – I really did feel like a cow. It took quite a while before any milk came so I could see why Beanie Bu had gotten so upset. I was trying so hard with the pump the handle came off in my hand. It would have been funny if I wasn't so exasperated. Mr. T took over, sorted out the pump and pumped my breast, while I weeped silently out of frustration and pain. Finally the milk started to flow and it was amazing to see how fast it actually does flow out. Oh the relief was immediate! Jane had counseled me against pumping for relief from engorgement as that would only make the problem worse later on, as it would tell my brain to produce even more milk. But I felt that I had no choice at this point as baby would not drink from it. So as a compromise I decided to pump only a small amount to get the flow going and then allow Beanie Bu to try drink from me again. And thank God this worked!

So now Boobgate is over. My breast is finally healed and I have learnt a very painful lesson. Today Beanie Bu is 3 weeks old and we are having a wonderful time together. She amazes me every day. Yesterday she was staring at Mr. T and he stuck out his tongue at her and then she did the same thing back at him and then, I swear to God, she let out a little laugh! It was incredible, we called my mum to see, and she did it again! She is totally awesome... I know you will agree.

Pebbles' Birth Story

2011-08-10T18:30:00.006Z

I am a mama now. What can I say? Pebbles is more incr(edible), awesome and breathtaking than I ever imagined possible. My heart just overflows when I look at her. Which I do every second I am awake. Which is most of the time these past few days.... I'm not very good at sleeping when she's sleeping as I tend to just stare at her all the time and don't want to close my eyes. But we have had some lovely snuggles together and these have been the best sleeps ever! Waking up to her arm draped over my boob and her peaceful contented face makes me feel like I have had the most refreshingly long sleep, when it's probably more like a couple of hours.

See what I mean...

Before I begin her birth story there are a few things I want to say. First if you are due to have a baby soon and don't want to read a no holds barred account - both good and bad - in graphic detail then don't read on. Second, I feel a profound sense of accomplishment that I was able to have my home birth, drug and intervention free. That Pebbles came into this world without being drugged, pulled or otherwise interfered with is something I will forever be thankful for. I am also deeply grateful to all the women in my birthing team who got me through the

contractions and the pushing - they were beyond amazing and without them I don't think I would have been able to do it, I really don't. So please bear all this in mind as you read the following.

During the labour and immediately after Pebbles was born, I think I was in shock. I had spent so long preparing for this day and I really thought I was ready, mentally and physically. But I have to say I was not prepared for just how challenging it would be. You may be thinking uh, it's childbirth stupid! But I believed that if I was in a safe and relaxing place, being able to move and do what I wanted when I wanted, then it wouldn't be that hard as my body's endorphins would kick in and I would be transported to this euphoric birthing place. I know for some women this is their experience and I think that it's incredible that they actually feel pleasure while birthing, more power to them. I was not one of those women. And I think if I had been

more open mentally to the possibility that this was going to be tough, in fact the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, then I probably wouldn't have felt so shocked afterwards. If just one book of the many I had read, had told me that it would feel like my asshole was going to explode, then perhaps I would have been better prepared. I told you this was going to be no holds barred...

So anyway let's start at the beginning. On Sunday 31st July at around 4.30 in the afternoon I was lying on the bed getting ready for my afternoon nap. I had just finished my birthing visualization exercises and wanted to watch this video of a woman giving birth in a pool with dolphins - it looked so peaceful and amazing. The dolphins floated gently near the birthing mother and she seemed in a state of bliss as her baby emerged from her. I closed my computer and shut my eyes ready for my nap, thinking of birthing like the mother with the dolphins. Baby was moving vigorously inside of me, kicking away. I felt a sort of pop or click deep inside of me and presumed this was something to do with my pelvis starting to get wider in preparation for the time Pebbles would come. But then I felt water pour out of me. I called for Mr. T and told

him that I thought my waters had just broken and could he get Jane, our midwife. Jane came in had a look at the soaked through bed sheet and confirmed that yes my waters had broken, they were clear and smelled fine so nothing to worry about. No contractions had started and so she said we should just wait for things to develop in their own time. Mr. T and I went for a walk, we had dinner and then I bounced and rolled around on the birthing ball encouraging things to get going. By 10pm nothing had happened and I was beginning to wonder if it would anytime soon. I asked Jane what my time frame was - she is so relaxed, which I love - she explained what the normal procedure would be in the UK and we decided to take a view after 24 hours if nothing had happened. I was really worried about having to go into a hospital because my waters had broken but labour hadn't begun because I knew they would want to induce me and I definitely did not want to be in that situation. So I dragged Mr. T out for another walk. On the way I had one mild contraction which encouraged me a lot and for a moment I could stop imagining being in a hospital room with tubes coming out of me. But then nothing happened for a while. So we started massaging the acupressure points that can help start labour and burned some clary sage oil and used it for massage too as that is meant to get things going. Well it did.

I was lying on my side when I suddenly had such a powerful contraction that I had to get up - lying down was not an option. Again I had imagined trying to lie down and perhaps sleep through the early stage of labour but the contraction had just been too strong. I got on my knees and leaned over the bed and asked Mr. T to rub my lower back and butt when the contractions came. At this stage they were coming every 5 minutes and were lasting about 30 seconds. I breathed through them all, chanting my birthing mantra 'Sat Nam'. 'Sat' on the inhale and 'Nam' on the exhale. It means 'I am true' and therefore wherever there is truth, there is no fear, only love. I wanted to use the love I felt for my little girl to power myself through the contractions. And at this stage it was working, though the contractions were a lot more intense than I thought they would be. Jane later told me that it was because Pebbles was already so low down in my pelvis that the contractions began very intensely, most women would have had a more gradual build up as the baby descended further down during the labour.

It wasn't long before my contractions started coming 2 minutes apart and at around 1.30 am Mr. T went to get Jane. Jane observed me for a while and said that I was still in the early stage of labour as my contractions were only lasting 30 seconds and the break between them was not uniform. Jane took my blood pressure and I was talking well with her and Mr. T during the break between contractions. I explained that the pressure in my lower back was really intense and that the back rubbing was really helping. Mr. T went to get my mum too, who was amazing at massaging my feet, which felt so relaxing during this stage. By 3.30 am Jane said that I was now in active labour as the contractions had started lasting for 60 seconds and were about 3 minutes apart. I immediately asked to get into the birthing pool. Jane and Mr. T went to set it up and get it filled with hot water. It felt like this took forever, I so desperately wanted to be in it, but in reality it was only like 20 minutes.

Feeling the warm water on my body was pure heaven. It was so therapeutic. I loved being able to float around during the break between contractions. The contractions were still intense in the water and every time one came I would say 'contraction!' and get on my knees and lean on the side of the pool while either Mr. T, my mum or Jane would massage my lower back and butt. After each contraction I would slip back into the water and try to relax my body and my mind. At this point I was still pretty conversant with everyone. Every 15 minutes or so Jane would check the baby's heartbeat on her little waterproof machine - she said this was one of the best ways to check if everything was progressing well. Throughout the entire labour Pebbles' heartbeat stayed strong, only slowing down once toward the end when she was nearly out, but it picked up again just minutes later. Jane also said she would not give me an internal exam during my labour unless I wanted her to. I cannot imagine having an internal exam during labour, I think if anyone and tried to push their fingers into me - especially during a contraction - I would have punched them. So luckily for Jane she didn't!

The bathroom was lit only by candlelight, there were candles everywhere all around the room. The music I had selected was playing, which helped to create a relaxing mood and also to help me connect with the spiritual side of what I was doing. At about 5 am with the contractions intensifying I asked Mr. T to call lovely TCM lady to get her to come as soon as she was able. I felt that if these contractions were still only going to get stronger then I would need some help. I really understand how difficult it must be for women in hospital to refuse the epidural and other pain-blocking drugs that are constantly on offer. It was the first time I realised that had I not been at home, with no possibility of having medical pain relief, I might well have caved and agreed to pain relief if it was being offered. The pain of the contractions had gone well beyond what I had ever imagined. But with each contraction I repeated the words 'open' and 'baby come down' over and over in my head. I used my yoga breathing to get through each one. Sometimes the contractions didn't really ease off in between, I was able to lean back but still felt intense sensations before the contraction started climbing to its pinnacle again.

When lovely TCM lady walked through the door she appeared like an angel. Is there anything you can do to ease the pain, I immediately asked. Yes, she said and got straight to work putting needles into my ears. When the next contraction came it was still strong but much more doable, the needles were definitely helping to take the edge off. In between contractions she continued to put more needles into my ears, and when the contraction started she would powerfully massage my back and butt, which was so incredible and helped me get through each one. However the next day I realised I was really bruised and the day after that it became clear just how strong those massages had been - my butt was (still is a bit) black and blue!

By this stage I was not really able to talk with people and my recollection of that time is quite surreal. I remember looking up from the water after a contraction and seeing Mr. T sitting on the chair with his legs resting on a ledge, fast asleep. Alright for some I thought! I remember calling out for water or apple juice from time to time, the bendy straws were very very useful. There was no way I could have eaten anything. Luckily my body had been clearing me out for days before the labour began, which was one of the reasons I thought she would come early. When the water started to cool down I would say 'more hot' and Jane and Mr. T would set to work bailing out the cooler water and adding hot from the shower hose. I also remember it being just light outside by the time lovely TCM lady arrived and I know, because of the film Mr. T took, that it was 8.40 am when I asked Jane to check me to see how far along I was. I was sure that I must soon be close to pushing as the contractions had been so powerful and had been going on for what felt like an eternity to me that they must have opened my cervix by now. I felt I needed to know where I was at, partly to encourage me on and partly because I wasn't sure how long I could keep on going. I remember I kept getting pins and needles in my legs and hands, I had to keep stretching them out and flexing and circling my wrists between contractions. With each contraction I put all my weight on my knees and hands and this only got worse when I started to bear down.

Jane checked me with her torch which she put into the water and told me she could see the baby's head and that there was nothing stopping her from coming out now, all I had to do was push her out. And here's where things got really hard and I felt my most desperate. I hadn't realised what pushing meant. I thought I just had to keep doing what I had been doing - try to push but still breathe through each contraction. Every time a contraction came I would take a deep breath and then scream/grunt/moan it out as I tried to push. In fact I had a sore throat for a day after Pebbles was born due to pushing all the energy out of my throat. Jane soon asked me to come over to her and look her in the eyes. She explained that I should take a deep breath as the contraction started but instead of letting it out, I had to hold it in and use it to really push down hard. I had to imagine pushing my baby round a 'j-shaped' curve.

(Mr. T told me a few days after Pebbles was born that when he had gone into the kitchen during my labour, our cleaner, who is a young Moroccan girl from the local village, she is not married and lives with her brother's family - had said to him that I was making the wrong noise, I shouldn't be letting all my energy out of my mouth, I had to use it to push down. When Mr. T told me this I was so surprised that she would know this never having had a baby herself. But Mr. T explained she would have witnessed many births in the family as they all take place within the family home and she would have been expected to help. The way a woman is in labour was nothing new to her. I have been reflecting on this and the nature of knowledge and how we obtain it. Contrasting myself - an educated Western woman who read many birthing books and watched dvds but still was fairly ignorant about the realities of labour and birth, with Aziza, an intelligent young woman who never had the opportunity to go to school, who cannot read and yet because of her life experiences had a deeper knowledge of what my body was going through than I.) With these instructions from Jane and a new realisation of what I had to do I changed my strategy. But it was damn hard. I was sweating profusely and the strain on my legs and arms as I pushed down hard was exhausting.

This continued for a bit as I tried my best but Jane could see I wasn't making any progress. Pebbles was not moving. Jane told me that I needed gravity to help me and so I had to get out of the pool. I told her I didn't want to, mainly because my legs felt like jelly and I didn't think I could physically get out of the water. Jane was kind but firm with me as she helped me out of the pool. She got me to sit on the toilet and said she wanted me to do two contractions in this position. I remember saying that I didn't want my baby to be born on the loo! She said that wasn't going to happen. I remember sitting there bearing down and sweat dripping off me, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. She then got me to stand up and put one leg on top of the toilet lid, I put my arms around her and she circled my hips with her hands, then when the contraction came I put my weight on her and pushed down as hard as I could. What obstetrican would do that for you?

I told her I had to get out of the toilet as it was too hot and I felt like I wanted to walk. I came into my bedroom and the coolness and space of the room was so welcome and I knew that I was going to have my baby there. It just felt right. I walked up and down the room for a bit and then when a contraction came I put my arms around Mr. T's neck and pushed down as hard as I could. In fact I pushed down so hard on him at one point he fell over on to the bed, me with him. I nearly said, oh for goodness sake take it like a man will you! But I just didn't have the energy. Mr. T later told me he was totally shocked by my strength, he never imagined how powerful I was - on a later contraction I just grabbed him and had him in a headlock as I pushed down hard, he took it well that time!

Jane asked me to dance around and circle my hips, I started doing some of my bellydance figure of eight movements with my hips. She then got me to stand and put one leg on a chair and do figure of eight movements like that. When the contraction came and I started pushing Jane was on the floor with a torch - she encouraged me with each push - 'you are moving her now. That's it she's moving. Well done. Excellent pushing. Okay wait for the next contraction and same thing again.' I changed legs on the chair and pushed again. 'That's it, you're moving her, you're moving her.' Hearing these words really helped me on. Mr. T later told me that lovely TCM lady had sat down and was meditating and praying for Pebbles to come down and out, while I was in this position.

As Pebbles was getting closer to coming out I started to feel a strong stinging sensation - really really ouch. But when the contraction was over and I stopped pushing, I would relax and that would cause Pebbles to slip back inside - it was like two steps forward and one step back. Jane explained to me that I now had to hold her there with my muscles when the contraction subsided, I had to stop her from slipping back in. So on the next contraction I pushed down hard felt her head move down and the stinging sensation get crazily intense, when the contraction subsided, I had to keep my muscles contracted and keep pushing to hold her there. It was like doing crazy sit-ups where the instructor asks you to hold the sit up for a minute and you are just bearing through the pain, contracted up, wanting to relax down, sweat dripping off your face. At this point her head was just crowning, Mr. T was telling me he could see her head and I just had to keep going. Okay major TMI warning... I reached around to feel myself and then I said 'Oh my God is that poo? Have I pooed myself?' 'No, no you haven't sweetie it's just a blood clot, don't worry' said Mr. T and lovely TCM lady. I felt someone cleaning me up and I continued to focus on holding baby's head there. Mr. T later told me that yes, it was in fact poo, but they didn't want me panicking or to feel embarrassed and so they quickly cleaned me up - I will forever be grateful for that. I asked Mr. T how he could ever find me attractive again after seeing that. He told me he's never found me more beautiful than now and that he loves every part of me. Anyway he said you didn't really poo yourself, it's just everything was so open, your bum was so open that the veins and everything in it was visible. Wow you really have seen every part of me now haven't you? Then he reminded me of the time on our honeymoon when he had a pile - which we called Paul - and I had to rub cream on it every day, it was our honeymoon so not the most romantic thing, but in a way it was, because I didn't care as I loved him so much and didn't want him to be in pain. I know this is a lot TMI but I really want this to be a true account of what the birth was like, I do not want to skip over embarrassing or uncomfortable details - it's all part of the reality of birth (for me anyway).

So back to the pushing. This was the big one. I now had to push her head out. Jane asked me to get on my knees and lean over the chair. As the contraction came and I pushed the hardest I have ever done in my life, my neck, shoulders and back straining, I was torn (actually literally) between wanting to push her out and a feeling of self-preservation. I felt like I was going to split in two and that if I continued to push I would end up seriously injured. The burning and the stinging were insane. But there was no way back and I closed my eyes and pushed. Mr. T made an audio file from the film he took of the moment Pebbles' head came out and then the rest of her so I could post it up. What you will hear is the moment I start to push her head out, followed by a break while Jane prepares a sterile paper/mat, then another contraction while I push the rest of her body out.

Despite all the pain and discomfort it still brings tears of absolute joy to my heart when I listen to it. And that is the point. I don't want to scare anyone or put terrifying thoughts of unbelievable pain into anyone's head, as it's this bizarre thing - yes it was unbelievably painful and tough but yet it doesn't seem to matter so much. Once you hold this little baby, hear its cry, look into its enchanting eyes, you realise you would have gone to hell and back to have her. Indeed many IFers out there, including myself, have said this time and time again when waiting for that elusive BFP.

As I sat there on the floor of my bedroom, my back against the bed, holding my newborn baby, I was in total and utter shock. I kept thanking everyone around me, I was sure I couldn't have done it without them. They told me I could've but I'm not so sure. I think had they not been there I might have gone to hospital and asked for an epidural. Jane told me that if I had had an epidural I probably wouldn't have been able to push her out as I couldn't have felt anything and I would have ended up with a vacuum/forceps delivery and most likely an episiotomy to boot. For this alone I am tremendously grateful that I had my baby at home the way I wanted even if it was more challenging and painful than I ever imagined.

We sat on the floor for a while me, Mr. T, Jane, my mum and lovely TCM lady as we all stared at Pebbles. She cried just for a bit as she came out and then was silent as she lay there in my arms, she opened her eyes and just stared at me, and then started looking all about her. It was just magical. As I held her vernix covered body Mr. T recited the call to prayer in her ear as a way of welcoming her into our faith. Jane waited for the cord to stop pulsating. When it had she clamped it and Mr. T cut the cord. We sat there taking it all in. My mum asked if my Dad could come in and they threw a sarong over my naked and blood-stained body and the new Grandad came in - he congratulated me through choked tears and we all started crying again.

Just born, eyes open.

We had been waiting for the placenta to come out for about 15 minutes so Jane suggested I sit on the toilet and use this bowl a friend had given me that sits in the loo so you can wash and cool your perineum after birth, to catch the placenta in. I handed Pebbles to Mr. T - it was very weird, my first time without her in 9 months - and went to the bathroom. I was quite hesitant about pushing again, everything felt so tender. I reached a finger inside of me and I felt the placenta, it's here I said and without really having to push it slipped out of me into the bowl. That was easy, I said very surprised, everything else had been so hard! Jane examined it and said it looked fine and that I had lost very little blood. We wrapped the placenta up and put it in the freezer. Our plan is to plant the placenta under a fig tree in the front of our new house when we move in. Then it will always be Pebbles' tree. In the meantime lovely TCM lady had been refilling the birth pool so that Pebbles, Mr. T and I could have some alone time together in the water.

Floating in the water with my newborn baby and my husband was the best thing I have ever experienced in my life. My body was battered and bruised but it was though I didn't feel a thing in those moments. We were left alone together for a while and we spoke and sang to her and repeated her name over and over. Jane then came in and suggested that I try feeding her, I struggled to get her to latch on myself and so Jane expertly maneuvered her and in a second she was on and started to suck away. It was an amazing feeling, I actually find it quite pleasurable and not painful at all - but more to come on breastfeeding in a later post.

It was finally time to get out of the water and for Jane to check me and baby out. Baby was given an Apgar score of 9/1, 10/5 and 10/10. She weighed in at 3.2 Kg. Then Jane checked me out while I was lying on the bed and Mr. T held Pebbles who had been all swaddled up and was now sleeping in her Daddy's arms. I kept telling Jane that I didn't want stitches, everything felt so sore I didn't want anything going near me at all. She had a good look and told me I had two tears. One superficial one on my perineum and a significant one on my labia minora but she said that stitches would only make it worse and that it was best to leave to heal on its own, though I would never look the same. She asked if this was important to me - well I won't be appearing in Pent.h.ouse any time soon, so no I think I can live with it, I replied. She told me it will sting when I pee for a few days - and oh boy did it - but she had a few tricks which can help. So I have a sports bottle full of water next to the loo to spray on myself and this spray I bought from Earth Mama Angel Baby has been a God send!

After all this, the three of us, our new little family, got into bed and exhausted we tried to sleep. Though Mr. T and I kept staring at Pebbles and every few minutes we would squeeze a foot or a hand to check for a reaction to check she was still breathing. But eventually we did sleep. And what a sleep it was. And when I awoke next to my daughter I still felt as though I was in a dream. A beautiful amazing dream.

There is still so much more to say. And now I am into a rhythm of things I hope to post more. I want to tell you all about Pebbles, who is just an angel (I really think I am the luckiest Mama alive, as she is so calm and chillaxed, which she definitely does not get from me. It is Mr. T's super laidbackness, which for once I am actually grateful for :D), my healing routine, the breastfeeding and some drama, of course! So please bear with me. This post has taken me a week to write between feeding, changing, sleeping and crying fits (mine not hers!). And it has mostly been typed with one hand as Pebbles sleeps on my chest. And then a few days ago I damaged my right breast by leaning against something hard while feeding, causing one of the alveoli to burst and the milk to leak into my breast tissue which in turn caused my body to go into shock - fever and shaking. I'm much better now and my breast is almost back to normal - but that is another post too. Now I must return to my little angel, who is just realizing she is hungry, and that the lady with the milk is right in front of her.

Pebbles is here!

2011-08-01T23:30:00.004Z

This is Mr.T, writing for a very tired Clare. Im very proud to announce the arrival of our beautiful daughter this morning at 10.22 am, the first day of the holy month of Ramadan. She was born at home after 7 hours of labor but Im sure Clare will fill you in on all the details! We are overjoyed and exhausted!

Baby Update

2011-07-30T11:36:00.003+01:00

I have a feeling she might come a bit earlier than her due date. Just a feeling. Lovely TCM lady thinks so too, after feeling my pulses and the energy through some of my meridiens. On top of this I had another exam by Jane yesterday. The week before Jane confirmed again that she could feel two fingers width of the baby's head and the rest (three fingers width) was down inside the pelvis. She said that the baby probably wouldn't descend much further until labour begun. BUT. A week later and she has. Now Jane cannot feel her head at all, only the tops of her shoulders. Baby's entire head is right down engaged in my pelvis. So it really could be soon...

Jane was surprised that I wasn't walking strangely or feeling lots of pressure in my pelvis. She said often women start walking with an exaggerated waddle almost swinging their legs around as the baby's head is sitting so low in the pelvis. We figured it is all the yoga and swimming I have been doing as I feel very comfortable and relaxed. So grateful for this level of flexibility I have built up over the last few months. I feel so energized and ready to go!! Now I am just double checking our list of birthing things and making sure everything works... whenever you are ready Pebbles, we are too, we can't wait to meet you!

Love Conquers All

2011-07-28T15:13:00.004+01:00

After the horrible events in Norway and all the rhetoric of hate I've heard this past week, I felt the need to open my heart and pour out love. It is the only way to combat such senseless hate. I thought of my daughter soon to come into this world and prayed that she would never know such hate. That she will not be discriminated against, hated or insulted because of her identity, her faith. We cannot control what others think or do, but we can steer our own thoughts, our own souls. And I realized that the best defense against this fear is love. When people spit out hatred or scorn, you pour out love in response. It is the only way. Love conquers all. And so I wanted to share this wonderful piece of advice I came across in in one of my pregnancy books that has helped me through this journey. This book has nourished my soul and has helped to build the confident, calm, awakened mother I hope to be.

"Being a great and happy parent is a big job and an honorable one. It is a chance to do your part in giving to the world. Right now, you might be up to your ears in diapers, not have had time to take a shower, be unable to find the cordless phone, and you read these words and think, "What? I have to save the world, too? It's too much!" But it's true. The only way this planet will fulfill its destiny toward enlightenment, when love and brotherhood will reign, is if each of us, within ourselves and in our homes, creates a space for love to grow.

Can you take the singular love for your own baby and extend it out to all children? Can we love not just our own child, but love their playmates down the street with a great amount of care, and also ferocity? Can we love the children half a world away who speak in a different language, who worship in a different way the same God who is in us all? We have an unending capacity for love. Love builds on love; the more, the more. That your children may see you and watch you in that infinite, universal love is one of the greatest gifts you can give them."

Wherever you are, whatever your beliefs, I pray that you have a life blessed with love. May our hearts be full of that infinite universal love that extends beyond borders, language, skin colour and religion.

The Midwife

2011-07-20T13:00:00.000+01:00

She is here! We picked her up from the airport on Sunday. We are getting on so well and have lots of interesting conversations about birth, the medical establishment and changing attitudes. In fact she told me that recently the Royal College of Obstetricians in the UK recently stated that more women should be birthing at home, which came as quite a surprise to midwives in the UK. With regards to me I am feeling very confident in my abilities to birth and am actually looking forward to the whole experience and am so excited about meeting my baby face to face for the first time. Sigh of wonderment.

The day our midwife arrived she gave me a full check. It was amazing to see someone examine my belly with her hands, gently pushing and feeling around, most OBs just use scans nowadays and have lost this art. She explained to me clearly how baby is lying. She said she can feel two fingers width of the baby's head at the top of my pelvis, the rest of the head is down inside, the baby is lying with her back to my belly on my left side. She explained this was the best position for birth as the baby only needs to turn minimally to be born. She confirmed that my level of amniotic fluid was good and then we all listened to the heart beat on her little machine - which is waterproof and so can be used when I am labouring in the pool. Pebbles' heartbeat is good and it was wonderful to hear it again. I also did some urine testing and all was fine. She has offered to check me whenever I want but would normally only do it once a week at this stage but she said it's up to me if I would like it more regularly. I feel very lucky to have my midwife here 24/7, it has made me feel more confident and calm, that's for sure.

I feel myself getting bigger by the day and I can no longer sleep the night through. I was so thankful that throughout my pregnancy I only ever needed to get up at 7am to pee. Now it has become 4am. And I find it impossible to fall back asleep after this. But I suppose this is a good sign that baby's head is dropping down deeper into my pelvis and that it is getting bigger too. I am also immensely thankful that the temperature has dropped down to a much more doable 32C (89F) and that there is a lovely cool breeze in the air. So our Moroccan July has become more like April. And for that Universe I am very very appreciative. Long may this feeling of well-being and confidence continue.

Getting Organized and then Waiting...

2011-07-15T18:00:00.001+01:00

I think I am ready. Well ready in terms of all the logistical baby things. Whether I am actually ready, as in mentally or emotionally, I guess I won't know until baby decides to make an entrance into this world. Can you ever be fully prepared on this level? Probably not.

I am 37 weeks tomorrow. The big 3-7. Pebbles is at term. And it certainly feels like it! Jane, the midwife, arrives on Sunday. Everything is gearing up for this baby to come. It is all really happening. Though I'm not sure if I fully believe it yet.

We have everything prepared for the big day. Birthing pool. Connector hose. Plastic Sheet. Cotton sheet. Towels. A sieve (or as Mr. T calls it the pooper scooper, I seriously am hoping there will be no poop to scoop). A pool thermometer. A small bucket to bail out cool water to make room for hot water. A small hand mirror. Birthing music. Candles. Aromatherapy oils. An electric fan in case the room gets too hot. And we are renting an oxygen cylinder, due to arrive today.

I also have a list of labour snacks which we are slowly getting prepared - including fruit ice lollies, date and almond balls, cold potatoes with mustard and water cress and lots of carrot and cucumber sticks. I also have bought a load of bendy straws. Why? Well a friend of mine started a great blog (www.twolittlevees.wordpress.com). For some reason blogger won't let it appear on my blog list no matter what I try. Is there some wordpress blogger animosity going on?? And the one thing that came highly recommended during labour was having a bendy straw close at hand - as no matter what position you end up in you can always have a sip of much needed water without fuss.

As for baby things, well here are a few shots of what I've been up to this past week:

Nappies! Beautiful soft bamboo nappies and our changing bag. Sitting in their little alcove between the bathroom and the toilet. Waiting for a little bottom.

The baby health and hygiene basket. Muslins, cuddle try organic towel, cotton wool, thermometer and other assorted goodies. Waiting for a little body to keep clean and dry.

We haven't bought much in terms of clothing as everyone has said it's better to wait and see how fast she grows and what she really needs. Plus by November we will be needing warmer clothes for Winter. So we just have a small basket of some newborn clothes, swaddling blankets and swim nappies, she is being born at the height of Summer after all. They sit waiting too.

The organic moses basket with baby sheepskin. It is so cute and so soft. Mr. T keeps looking at it and saying he wants to sleep in there, it looks so comfortable.

All we need now is a little baby to put into the moses basket, the nappies and the clothes... but most of all we want to have her in our arms. Of all these things they have been waiting the longest of all.

31 Years & 36 Weeks

2011-07-10T12:52:00.004+01:00

Today I am 31 years old. I started this TTC journey when I was 27. It took the next 3 and a half years to get to here:

This is me today at 36 weeks.

Today I celebrate all my blessings. A life filled with love, tenderness and respect. This is what I get from those around me and I endeavour to give to them too. I am so very grateful and so very thankful. Especially for the greatest blessing of all - this beautiful life growing inside of me with every breath I take. I can't wait to meet you Pebbles.

Tonight Mr. T is taking me and my folks to a very fancy restaurant. I am so looking forward to it. The chance to dress up! I haven't done that in a while and after baby is here I'm sure we won't be going out to fancy restaurants anytime soon. Since I am on my strict pregnancy diet for a gentle birth I am avoiding wheat, sugar and puddings - so we picked a Thai restaurant. I figured that way I would be safe. It's not like they serve you bread rolls on the side! And instead of a cake this year Mr.T has organized a tropical fruit salad. We'll save the cake until after Pebbles is born. Then I really will be able to have my cake AND eat it!

I Like Boring

2011-07-08T17:30:00.000+01:00

What a naughty blogger I have been! No words from me for two weeks. In truth I just haven't felt like writing any. Mainly because I feel a little boring right now. You see I don't do much except be very fastidious about my routine. My routine right now is everything - it dictates whether you get a smiley Clare or a grumpy Clare.

And I haven't felt like boring you with my oh-so-important but let's face it yawn-yawn routine. But now I'm gonna. Mainly because there's not much else I can write about (or have the energy or focus of mind to...):

A day in the life of a very pregnant Clare

Wake up time - This tends to dictate my whole day. This is because it varies A LOT. Pregnancy insomnia. Sometimes I'm up at 5am and just carry on through, other times I wake up at 3am and get back to sleep around 6am and sleep through until 10am. And sometimes I actually sleep normally and wake up around 8am. This is the most unpredictable part of my day. I still haven't found the best way of dealing with the insomnia. I try to connect and have conversations with baby. But then my mind wonders and I start pondering all sorts of things - like the Greek debt problem, austerity measures, the routine use of antibiotics in dairy farming - and I realize that a pregnant woman's nocturnal political musings are not going to help the world a great deal and I should really try and go back to sleep, or failing that get up and have something to eat.

I look forward to breakfast so much. It is very routine. Which I like at the moment. Raspberry leaf tea, fruit smoothie, wheat-free pancakes with marmite. Prenatal supplements. Satiated.

If it's not too hot in the day I walk for 30 minutes with the dog. Dog has become my constant companion. He follows me everywhere. When I take a bath he barges into the bathroom and sits down on the floor next to the bath. When I go to the toilet he sits down outside the door. When I sleep he sleeps on the floor next to my side of the bed. When I watch TV he sits next to me on the couch. I am not allowed to do anything by myself evidently.

Then I gather my books and radio and sit in the shade in the garden (yes with dog). When I am getting hot and sweaty I swim in the pool for a few lengths and do gentle aqua aerobics. So dog is not left out I soak him with the garden hose and he cools down too.

Then after we have dried out we come in for lunch. Lunch is a welcome highlight of the day. Then I get ready for some afternoon entertainment - movie or radio now as Wimbledon is over - which I never finish as my eyes feel heavy for nap time. One or two hours of blissful napping. This is the key to a happy Clare. (Well that and lunch time.) If I don't get my nap I do become a raging monster. People kept calling me on my phone during nap time - so now phone goes off. By people I mean Mr. T. He does not remember/respect nap times.

Then I'm awake and feeling good. I do my hour of yoga. Then perhaps another walk around the block. Afterwards I'm ready for a light snack for dinner (it's so hot to eat much then) before my cool water bath. Then Mr. T has to step up for belly and foot massage. We are currently stimulating acupuncture points that lovely TCM lady showed us to encourage baby into the best position and encourage her to drop down into my pelvis. We have also started the perineal massage - more challenging than I thought and really not sexy. Afterwards I practice my self-hypnosis and visualization for labour and birth and then I am usually soundly asleep.

Yes these are lazy days. But it's 40C plus here. And I am nearly 36 weeks. And I forgot to mention that I pee 50 times in a day. And if I don't follow this routine then I can have a tendency to become a whiny b.i.t.c.h. And I did not want to inflict that on you blogosphere. So here is my first post in 2 weeks from a well-rested and smiley-if-not-slightly-boring Clare. But for now I like boring. Boring is good.

Recipes and Tennis

2011-06-24T10:01:00.006+01:00

First of all I wanted to say a big congratulations to Rebecca. Her little boy came earlier than expected but he is doing well and I am just so happy for her. May he continue to thrive and they get to go home soon.

As for me I am coping well in the heat now. Thanks mainly to air-conditioning and Wimbledon. Oh yes. My afternoon dose of legs up in the cool has just been made a load more enjoyable - yay for Wimbledon!! Though I keep falling asleep just before the final climax of a nail-biting match and then have to look up on the internet who actually won. During my Wimbledon naps I have dreams of Pebbles on Wimbledon centre court hitting powerful forehands down the court and the commentators discussing her impressive serve-volley combination. I hope this is not a sign that I am going to be one of those pushy-my-kid-must-be-a-child-prodigy-mums!

For those of you interested I have included my almond milk recipes below:

ALMOND MILK

This will make just under a litre of almond milk (though it depends on how creamy you want it). Take half a kilo of almonds (unsalted, unroasted, with their shells on). Put in a bowl and pour water over them to cover. Leave overnight. This is to soften the almonds but also to remove the bitterness from their skins. It is not necessary to remove the skins or blanch the almonds. Next morning pour out the water and rinse the almonds. Place the soaked almonds in a food processor or blender. Pour on about 3 cups of water. I find this to be a minimum. If you want more almond milk, it will be slightly less creamy, then pour in more water. Since almonds are expensive I prefer to add more water and get more milk - it is still creamy but less rich. Then blend for a minute or two. You want all the almonds to be in small pieces. Put a sieve over a bowl. Line a sieve with a muslin or cheesecloth and spoon the almond mixture and liquid into the cloth. With clean hands squeeze the cloth around the almond pulp and let the milk run into the bowl. You may have to do this in several batches. Save the almond pulp as you can use it for other recipes. Pour the milk into a sterilized bottle or jar and chill in the fridge. It's delicious on its own or you can add some honey to sweeten if you wish.

ALMOND MILK POPSICLES

Mix the almond milk with some honey to taste. Make sure the honey is full mixed into the milk. Then pour into ice-lolly moulds and freeze.

ALMOND MILK ICE-CREAM

Heat half of the almond milk in a heavy based pan on a low heat. Add a cinnamon stick and half a teaspoon of ground cinnamon. Meanwhile whisk three egg yolks and 2 tablespoons of honey until the mixture is pale and thick. Gradually whisk in the warmed almond milk (remove the cinnamon stick first). Then pour the almond-milk custard back into the pan and warm over a low heat, stirring constantly, you want it to remain smooth. Once the mixture had thickened (so the egg is cooked) take off the heat. If the mixture starts looking like scrambled egg take off the heat and whisk vigorously until it is smooth. Chill the custard. (I put a glass bowl in the freezer before I start and then pour the custard into it to speed up the chilling process). When the mixture is cool add the rest of the almond milk. You can also add some cream if you like. You can also toast some of the left-over almond pulp and add this too. Then pour into an ice-cream maker.

DATE AND ALMOND BALLS

This is a great way to use the leftover almond pulp and it makes irresistible healthy sweet snacks. Take around half a kilo of dates and remove the stones. Place them in a food processor. Add 1 or 2 cups of almond pulp depending on your preference. Add 2 tablespoons of carob powder. Add 2 tablespoons of ground linseeds or ground pumpkin seeds. Add a splash of water. Blend. It should become a sticky mass, if it it is too dry add some more water and continue to blend. Toast some of the remaining almond pulp and pour it on to a large plate. Take a tablespoon of the date almond mixture and roll it in your hands into a ball, then roll it in the toasted almond bits to cover. Repeat this until you have finished all the date almond mixture. Chill the date almond balls in the fridge. Eat when deliciously cold - they have a gorgeous chocolate truffle consistency.

33 Week Update

2011-06-21T19:30:00.001+01:00

I am half way through my 33rd week now. Time is ticking by scarily quickly. I have been doing well. Despite the -ugh- forty degree (104 F) heat.

Phew. Woo. Haa.

Getting into a hot car is the hardest. But as long as I spend a couple of hours a day in a cool air-conditioned room with my legs elevated, I am fine. Leg and ankle swelling is kept to a minimum.

I had a belly swelling incident last week I felt like I was going to split at the sides. Ouch. But when I awoke the next morning my belly was half the size of the night before! So it was some major fluid retention. I had eaten something on my forbidden list the day before (BANANAS!), am not doing that again. I went to see TCM lady and she told me that in Chinese medicine the 8th month of pregnancy is kidney month and so she paid special attention to making sure my kidneys are functioning as optimally as possible. She also checked my blood pressure (which she does every week) and all was normal. Since that session (and me being very strict with my diet) I have had no more belly swelling and I feel extremely comfortable. Except when getting into a hot car. Seriously uncomfortable.

So to cope with the heat and occasionally wanting something sweet and something creamy I have been very creative. I started making my own almond milk. It was so divine that I made some more and some more after that too.

I then started making frozen almond milk popsicles sweetened with a little honey. I then made almond milk ice-cream with cinnamon, bits of almonds, no sugar and just sweetened with a little honey. Today I made frozen raspberry yoghurt with no sugar and well I think I may just be able to get through the heat of the summer with none of the traditional sugary, ice-cold, creamy treats I would usually scoff down. If you want any recipes let me know! Week 34 here I come....

Belly in the Sun

2011-06-10T09:00:00.001+01:00

Just thought I'd share a few photos of our 'just the two of us' weekend-getaway. We had the most relaxing and chilled out time. So great. But Mr. T couldn't stop teasing me about the luggage situation. You see I've never been one for traveling light. I like to be well prepared for every possible imagined eventuality. So the car was heavily laden as we set off for the trip. Mr. T kept on about how we were only going away for three days and the fact that the car was packed to the brim was a bit ridiculous. Perhaps I did go overboard... but I'd rather be prepared. And he certainly wasn't complaining when he was tucking into one of the (many) spinach quiches I had prepared the day before. Swings and roundabouts people.

But for now I'll let the pics do the talking.

This was at 30 weeks:

We hadn't taken a lot (umm.. any) pregnancy photos so we got a bit snap happy

And I posed for the camera, proudly showing a growing Pebbles

The sky was blue and I could hear the ocean in the distance

We swam

Practiced yoga

Ate

Watched camels in the garden

And hiked to see the sea

God willing, next time it will be me, Mr. T & Pebbles on our first family vacation. We smiled when we talked about this. Which we did a lot.

And then Mr. T sighed in despair and closed his eyes "we'll need another car just for the luggage." Nah. I said. We'll get a roof rack.

A.M.A.Z.I.N.G

2011-06-03T10:55:00.000+01:00

I went for my 30 week scan on Wednesday. I felt confident as Pebbles had been kicking loads and I felt in good shape too. And thankfully Dr. B confirmed all was good. Baby's head is down. Amniotic fluid at good levels. Cervix normal. Blood pressure normal. I have put on 3 kilos since my last 20 week appointment. Baby is weighing just under 1.5 Kg and measuring just over 38cm in length. Happy happy times.

But the most wonderful thing of all were these images:

I can see my baby's face! Just amazing beyond words. She is just beautiful. This is all finally feeling real now. There is a child in there. My child. Half me, half Mr. T. Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow.

The Weird & The Wonderful

2011-05-27T12:50:00.003+01:00

THE WEIRD

1. I dreamt that I gave birth to a cat. It was actually my cat - Archimedes. In my dream I turned to Mr. T and said "I am happy with the cat but I wish it was a human baby." When I woke up I reached down and touched my belly and felt reassured that I was still pregnant and hadn't actually given birth to a cat. I then reminded myself that the last scan had clearly shown a human form and not a cat. Am I a total freak? Or does this dream have a bigger meaning?

2. Mr. T wants to be pregnant too. He told me he is jealous that he doesn't get to feel what it is like to be pregnant. I told him that it has been hard enough getting me pg, let alone him. I told him I thought he was a bit weird. Did he want to give birth too? No. He replied. Quite firmly. Ha ha ha!

3. Pebbles moves so much now but in ways that feel really really weird. Sometimes it feels like she is doing a Mexican wave inside my tummy. Other times I feel like my skin is going to burst and she is going to pop out - a bit like that scene in Alien. Gotta get that image out of my head.

THE WONDERFUL

1. My Mr. T turned to me the other day and said something really sweet. He said "when the baby comes if you see me doing something wrong please tell me. I really want to be helpful and be just as capable with her as you are, but I know I don't know as much as you do." Firstly I don't agree with him on all that. But I knew the intention behind his words and it just melted my heart. I reached over and gave him a big hug. Then I told him we will both be learning. She doesn't need perfect parents, she needs us. And that if he asks for my advice I will give it but I will not criticize while he is figuring things out. I have seen friends do this and I have seen husbands sit back and do less for fear of doing something wrong. I have also spoken to girlfriends who bite their lips and force themselves to walk away when they want to criticize something their man is doing but know they shouldn't despite the enormous urge to! This has resulted in their husbands being more hands on and more confident and capable with their babies. A much better result.

2. So far (30 weeks tomorrow!) I have no stretch marks a.n.y.w.h.e.r.e. No varicose veins. No water retention or swelling. Normal blood pressure. Normal iron levels. No toxi. I am one happy mama.

3. Today we are going away for a mini-vacation! Just a long weekend really to a small coastal town called Essaouira where we have rented a villa in the countryside with a (saline!) pool. It's our last trip away where it will just be the two of us. Although we have been wanting to go from two to three for a long time, now that it is actually happening we thought we should take advantage of our last holiday as a couple. The plan is to sleep, eat and just have fun in each other's company. So catch you when I get back!!

ICLW finally!

2011-05-22T22:30:00.000+01:00

This is my first ICLW in a loooooooong time. I forced myself to do it as I kept putting it off since finding it hard to come back to my blog after my miscarriage last year. But now I am in a very different place as you may see from all the baby stuff on my blog now. It's all a bit surreal. But it's more amazing and wonderful than I could have imagined.

So to introduce myself and The Pitter-Patter to new visitors here is my ABC of information:

A: Acupuncture - weekly sessions which keep me feeling good and regular (if you catch my progesterone-slowing drift)

B: Bump!

C: Cats, we have three. They want to sleep on me all the time - this is a new development, could it be pregnancy related?

D: Dancing queen - our bubba's new nickname since she started movin and groovin

E: Eternity - how long it seems we have waited for our little miracle bubba

F: Fit - working hard to be as fit as can be

G: Girl - As in our baby is a

H: Home birth - That's the plan

I: Ice-cream? No. I stopped eating it, trying to be very healthy now until baby comes.

J: Jane, the name of my midwife

K: Kicks!

L: Love conquers all

M: Mr. T - also known as bear and sometimes as knob, when he's being knob-like. But mostly he is just my incredible hubby. My absolute all.

N: Nearly 8 years since we met.

O: Oh to stuff myself with chocolate and pizza and all other naughty things I would like to eat!

P: Pebbles - our baby's blog name

Q: Quack quack - my nickname at school

R: Raspberry leaf tea - every morning

S: Sat Nam - My birthing mantra. It means I am true.

T: Third Trimester

U: Uterus. Big up. You kept up your end of the bargain. So far. Hoping you get to do your thang in 10 weeks time.

V: Viable. Baby now is. Phew.

W: Water birth - the pool is here, in its box, waiting for Mr. T to pump it up so we can check it, clean it and sterilize it

X: Xtraordinary ladies who I meet all the time thanks to blogging

Y: Yoga - I am a yoga machine at the moment, unstoppable!

Z: Ze list is done!

The Third Trimester

2011-05-15T15:40:00.002+01:00

Welcome to my third trimester! It's finally here. Woo hoo! Pebbles' arrival is well and truly within sight now and we are all getting prepared. Sort of. Ahem. Well I think I have nearly everything ordered now. Since we are moving into our new home we have a load of stuff to order for the house too that you just cannot get in Morocco. So we have done huge orders of house and organic baby stuff and then our friendly van man will drive it over in a few weeks time. So while I have chosen everything online I have yet to see any of it. Here is a short selection of some of my favourite baby shopping items, AKA things I can't believe I am actually buying:

Our organic cot from Little Green Sheep which includes an organic mattress too. We know we won't need this for some time yet but we had to get it now as we need to make the best use of the van.

And the coolest thing is, it converts into a junior bed which is suitable for a child up to 8 years old. All parts are fixed together using non-toxic glue.

I totally love Burt's Bees products and had to get this.

The calin bleu baby sling which is so versatile as baby can be put on your front, on your back and on your hip if you wish. Love it.

And oh so cute cocooi baby wrap.

Birth to potty pop-in cloth nappies from close parent. Great deal on 20 nappies, 2 tote bags, 6 dry nite boosters and 2 rolls of liners. Very excited about these.

The BOB revolution stroller! Yippee! My sister got this for me on her recent trip to LA. She is a star as you can't get these outside of North America.

Love the design and it has suspension on all three wheels, which we need for the unpaved roads with crater-sized potholes around here. I asked my sister how it looks and she told me it's the size of a range rover and would have no problem going up Everest. I think she exaggerates a tad...

The primo viaggio car seat.

You can see we are going for a chocolate colour theme here with our baby stuff.

Mosquito protector travel cot.

Since she will be born in the Summer, it's mosquito time and so we thought she could sleep in this while we're in the garden or by the pool.

The Almora changing bag. Tried to go for a fairly unisex one that Mr. T would be happy to carry around too.

I'm waiting for this gorgeous organic kimono body suit to come in stock from Frugi. I think it is uber cute and so great that it doesn't have to be pulled over baby's head but ties at the side.

An organic play mat from Taggies.

And something for me.

A nursing nightie from Hot Milk... I figured I might end up living in this for a while!

As I am now in my 3rd trimester I am meant to exclude all my treats and pick up the level of healthy eating and massages, according to the gentle birth method that I am following. Excluding treats. Eeek. I will find it hard not to chow down on the choc choc but I have done chocolate embargoes before so I can do another one again - instead when I crave something sweet I'll just have a teaspoon of honey or maple syrup and then drink lots of water. This is the plan, I hope I have the strength of mind to carry it through! Here's a pic of me at 28 weeks today:

On another note yesterday was my SIL's wedding. It was so lovely to see her get married but I found the whole thing so exhausting! I just couldn't keep up and ended up copping out early. I felt quite bad but I just couldn't keep my eyes open and my legs still feel very tired today. But my body is doing an awful lot at the moment so I think everyone understood. Mr. T didn't get home until after 3am, I definitely would not have lasted that long! I asked him how long his Grandma lasted and she went home at 2am! The woman is as strong as an ox - she had 15 babies in total in her life! I hope she is around for a lot longer and I can't wait for Pebbles to meet her - her great grandma. She is an amazing woman who is so full of warmth and love, and we have a lovely connection with each other even though we can't communicate that well. I find her so fascinating, she even has the traditional Berber tribal tattoos on her chin, that nowadays you rarely see women with. I just hope Pebbles has time to get to know her well and develop a connection with this side of her heritage.

August 6th

2011-05-08T10:10:00.001+01:00

I am in the last week of my second trimester. Wow. I can't believe the third trimester is just around the corner. Very very excited.

Never thought I'd be writing these words but I am. This time last year was a very different story. We had just left for our healing trip to the Maldives after losing our first. The pain was raw. So raw. What a difference a year (and two pink lines) makes.

So in the spirit of realizing that I would be in a very different place if Pebbles wasn't on the scene: I think I forgot (that's happening a lot lately) to tell you something important. Mr. T reminded me (and chided me) for forgetting to write about this. During our 8 week TTC ban while I was going through Dr. S's program, a lovely friend opened up to Mr. T one evening and said that she too had lost a baby. She had tried to have children later in life and had been to see an array of experts and finally after losing a baby, she successfully had two children, one at 39 and one at 43. Everyone is different and their treatment protocols and attitudes to dealing with IF are different but she wanted to share the one thing that worked for her every time. She told Mr. T that after having sex not only should I put pillows under my hips and legs in the air (class 101 for every TTC lady) but that I should then cycle for 10 minutes.

Cycle. Yeah. I laughed a lot. So did Mr. T. After three years I would try anything including juggling at the same time while singing 'New York, New York' if I thought there was the slightest chance it would help. So we tried it. And 2 weeks later. We got our BFP. Now I'm not saying that this was the reason. Nor that it would have worked those past 3 years. Of course it wouldn't. The varicocele embolization, Dr. S's plan for me - these were all essential parts of the road to conceiving. But maybe. Just maybe it was an extra boost of help on the day. Needless to say Mr. T texted lovely friend when I was at 12 weeks and thanked her for her great advice ;) And for the final cherry on top:

Our baby's due date, August 6th, is also lovely friend's birthday. Hmm... did she plan this??

The World Keeps Turning

2011-05-02T22:45:00.003+01:00

Well it's been an emotional ride for the last few days. We all feel a bit drained from what has been happening here. Mr. T went to pay his respects to those who died along with hundreds of other people who marched carrying white roses.

The whole situation feels very surreal but mostly we are just trying to get on with our lives. Life must go on. And indeed inside my belly it most certainly does. I can feel my uterus pushing upwards on a daily basis and I have never been more grateful for yoga stretches that make it feel like there is more space in there.

Pebbles kicks away in the mornings and in the evenings and when I do my relax after yoga. It never gets old, it never gets tiresome, it is always w.o.n.d.e.r.f.u.l. When I was about 16 weeks into my pregnancy I started a pregnancy journal to record all my feelings and the momentous occasions (like her first kick) during this time. I ask my mum a lot of questions about when she was pregnant with me but she can't remember much of the detail, it was thirty years ago, she reminds me. So I figured a journal could be useful as perhaps I might forget all those pregnancy details too - and perhaps it will be there for Pebbles to read when the time comes.

I even wrote about the bombing in my journal. I struggle with trying to understand tragedies. I think we all do. Whether its your own personal loss (see here for International Babylost Mother's Day) or on a much wider communal scale like the recent bombing. But perhaps that's just it - there is no understanding. No matter how hard we try, there are no explanations that are sufficient, there is no comprehending that can answer all your questions. It just is. And the world keeps turning.

A Sad Day

2011-04-29T10:57:00.003+01:00

First of all thank you to everyone who sent messages to see how we are doing. Thanks be to God, we and all our loved ones are fine. But what happened is most definitely not. It is a very sad day for Marrakech. Beyond awful. I cannot believe the people who did this came from this amazing city - Djemma Al Fna, where the bombing happened, is one of the most magical places on earth. It is a UNESCO world heritage site and as soon as you step on to the square you feel its incredible energy. I don't believe anyone from this city could have done this.

All our thoughts and prayers are with the those that have lost their lives and those that have been injured. Staff at the local hospitals have worked under very difficult conditions to help the injured - and I know it has been traumatic for them too.

Marrakech will come through this. It will continue to be an incredible place to live and to visit. And for the sake of all the people that rely on the tourist trade to make a living, which is most of Marrakech, I hope that people still choose to come here and experience this beautiful place.

House Drama

2011-04-27T15:25:00.001+01:00

It all came to a head this weekend. Hence the lack of blogging. It all could of turned out so horribly. But. It didn't. It went SURPRISINGLY well.

(For those that don't know the backstory you can read all about our house journey here and then the subsequent drama here.) A month ago Mr. T took over all negotiations. I had previously been leading these but my legalistic approach was not producing results and the further I got along in the pregnancy the less I needed the stress of talking to our delusional builders. Mr. T's approach was different. He spelt it out to them that if they didn't fix the house in time or pay us back the money they owed, then not only would he go to the police, he would also destroy their reputations. He bought their names on the internet, taped all their phone conversations, spoke to all their clients and employees and collected all the evidence he needed to put online and was even considering paying for adverts in local media publications. So about a month ago he met with them and showed them everything he had. It was pretty damning stuff. They were silent. He then offered them a chance to finish the house to a deadline that they could set. They said they needed 3 weeks. We agreed with the proviso that if the house was not finished in 3 weeks they would pay us any money they owed us. Hands were shook. The deal was made. 3 weeks went by and next to nothing was done. They asked for one more week. Mr. T said if one more week is all you need to catch up with over 12,ooo Euros worth of work which you haven't done, than I can give you one more week. One more week passed and still nothing changed. On the extended deadline Mr. T informed the builders they were no longer allowed on the land without him being present and that they had 5 days to pay us the total amount owed. They did not reply. Instead they tried to force their way on to the land and threatened the old man who guards the site for us. Mr. T turned up with the police but by that time they had left. The builders wouldn't take his calls. They wrote to us that night and said that they didn't agree with the figures we sent them and they requested a meeting on the site to confirm who was owed what.

Mr. T and I agreed it was best if I didn't go. This was so hard for me as I am usually involved in everything we do and I am very proactive about it all, but I had to think of Pebbles and such a high stress and potentially volatile situation would not be good for her or me. So I reluctantly let Mr. T go without me, but insisted he take some reliable (and well-built) friends with him. The builders turned up with an official from the court. This was fantastic for us and not so good for them. They started off by saying they only owed us 2000 Euros. Mr. T told them they were

crazy. So they went through everything point by point - apparently the shock on their faces was a sight to behold as it became clear they owed us 12,000 Euros. And all in front of the court official. There was no denying it. They had to sign a paper recognizing what they owed us, which was signed by the official. Then they had to sign a paper agreeing to pay us 5% on the Monday (which we received in cash! Cha-ching!) and the remaining 95% within 20 days. Neither of us could believe it had gone so smoothly in the end. It had been resolved. Resolved. Okay we still have to get the remaining 95% and we know nothing is certain until we have this but. A huge momentous step forward to getting it all resolved has been taken.

Mr. T and I have been cautiously celebrating. Things can move on now. We can actually get this house finished. And in time for Pebbles' arrival. So we have new builders - they have already done our stone floors, our chimneys and the bricks around the front door. The quality of their workmanship and their honesty with us has been great. They don't take advances. We only pay when they have finished particular stages. Now we have got rid of the other builders, our new builders have 6-8 weeks to finish everything that's left. We finally feel in control once again. As they say in Morocco, Al Hamdulilah (Thanks be to God). Life is really looking U-P.

Here are a few photos of the progress that's been made since last photo update:

Front of house (October time)

Front of a house a few months later with stone patio laid. This will be our outdoor dining area.

Staircase leading to roof terrace. Now with laid stone. And one furbaby having a breather.

Tiled roof terrace.

View from roof terrace.

Brick work around the front door. White filling to be added as shown at the bottom right.

Stone floor laid inside the house. This is taken from the living room, looking down the hall and into our bedroom at the end. Unfortunately all the plaster needs to come off as it was done so badly. Our new builders have shown us a different and much higher quality plaster finish that they will do soon.

Stone fireplace completed in living room!

Bath and taps in! Stone floor in bathroom done and tadelakt finished on the walls. Tadelakt is a Moroccan lime polish for walls. However this also needs to be redone as the quality is not acceptable and will not last. So another job for the new builders.

And here is one of our curious neighbours checking to see how the work is coming along....

24 weeks

2011-04-16T16:45:00.000+01:00

So here I am at 24 weeks.

Belly has grown quite a bit since two weeks ago. In fact I have actually been feeling myself grow these last few days and have been feeling really tired so I'm having to rethink my packed days. And just a few days ago I had a scary dizzy spell and nearly fainted but was luckily sitting down at the time while lovely TCM lady was working on me and she caught me as I managed to say "I'm not feeling too well...." before slumping over. She lay me down and put pillows under my head and legs and made me do calming breathing exercises while she checked my pulses. She told me to take the rest of the day off, do you have much to do? She asked. Ummm... well this is my day off from teaching but after this I have to go to the building site, then to the supermarket, then I have a (extremely necessary) waxing appointment, then I have Arabic class and then I have a dinner. She gave me one of her you should know better looks. Come on Clare. You are nearly 6 months pregnant. Slow down. Those two words were a massive lightning bolt of realization...

Shit. I am nearly 6 months pregnant. Really I am. I need to slow down, what have I been thinking??? So I cancelled everything for the day (except the dinner with friends I haven't seen in ages, more to come below) and then for the next day also. All my classes cancelled, all my appointments rescheduled, time for some sleep and relaxation. I have since been feeling so so much better and no more dizziness.

So on to the dinner... it was a great dinner the kind where so many people you adore are there and everyone hasn't seen each other in a while and we all just wanted to catch up and have a good laugh. Except this time I was the one with the pregnant belly. It was like an out of body experience as everyone reached for the bump, commented on how 'glowing' I looked, how fabulous it all was etc. I felt so happy and proud inside, but I also felt unease with accepting it. Like it wasn't really happening to me. Like it was meant to be happening to someone else and that everyone would soon discover that I'm an impostor.

Again I had another dinner last week this time with a friend who has two children under 5 (she got pregnant with her youngest while we were TTC as well, she of course got pg straight away) and another (shock!) pregnant woman.... now normally this dinner would have had me running to the door. I would have been so uncomfortable and would have been watching the clock waiting until it was polite to leave. And at first that thought did occur to me. But. The little voice inside my head said: You're pregnant now too and so you can relax and enjoy yourself, no need to feel the pain and anguish because everyone around you is having babies and you're not. You are having a baby too.

But all this going to dinners, chatting with pregnant ladies, talking to my midwife, shopping for baby, sometimes it seems as though I don't really belong. Well that's often my first reaction anyway. Then I read Adele's blog and she put it perfectly: "I feel like I have suddenly slipped the space-time continuum and stumbled into somebody else's reality. I am suffering from a wee case of impostor's syndrome.... My impostor's syndrome did not ease when, after my doctor's appointment, I wandered several blocks southward to a duplex maternity store. It was my first foray into this particular milieu and I felt like a space alien sent to gather information about earthlings."

This is exactly how I feel a lot of the time. Baby and child development is something I am quite familiar with having previously worked as a nanny and as a kindergarten/primary teacher for the last 6 years. But pregnancy? My own pregnancy? The last few years I have made such an effort to avoid anything to do with pregnancy, birth and babies that it feels weird to let it suddenly be okay to venture into that world, not only to venture into it, but to embrace it. And I do. Wholeheartedly. But this impostor's syndrome is always there, sometimes a little and sometimes a lot.

Has infertility put such a marker on me that perhaps it claimed some of my identity? Or perhaps I let it define me in part.... But is this necessarily a bad thing? My experiences over the last three years have caused me to grow, to reach new levels of empathy, love and respect that perhaps I wouldn't otherwise have. I never will forget what it feels like to be on the "other side" and that's a good thing. The night of the friend reunion dinner there was another lady there who has been TTC for some time, just like me. She knows my story and I know hers. I didn't say anything at the dinner but it weighed on me - I have never been in a position where my pregnancy might make someone else uncomfortable. The next day I wanted to tell her I was thinking of her. That I know all too well the pain and that if she still wanted to talk about things then I am here - but at the same time if it's too difficult to be around me, I get that too. In fact I have done it to so many pg friends than I'd like to admit. So I sent her message. She sent me such a sweet reply.

So while I may at times feel like an impostor - or to use Adele's words like an alien sent to gather information about earthlings - I am grateful for the lessons infertility taught me, yes it was painful and traumatic, but it was my path that I had to walk. AND F@*K AM I GLAD TO BE ON THE 'OTHER SIDE', HELL YEAH! Even if it has affected the way I view my pregnancy and the rest of my journey to motherhood.

Belly Knocks

2011-04-09T22:00:00.000+01:00

Knock knock! Who's there? It's me Pebbles!

23 weeks today and Pebbles decided to mark the day by kicking so close to the surface of my belly that we could actually see the kicks. I just happened to be looking down when she kicked and saw my belly move. Whoa. I called Mr. T and he started watching and she did it over and over again. We just started laughing so much - it was incredible to see. Then Mr. T told me to stop laughing as my belly was shaking and he couldn't see anything anymore! It was so hard to stay still and not react. My heart just spilled over with joy and wonder as everyday she is becoming more and more real and present in our lives. That might sound weird but it's these physical experiences that bring the reality home to us. We are actually going to have a child.

The idea of having a child, of being parents has been such a long time dream of ours, which most of the time seemed unobtainable, that I actually burst into tears a lot of the time when I stop to think about it. I am just so grateful and so in awe of this incredible blessing. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I promise to never ever take my darling Pebbles for granted. I promise to cherish every moment, including the tears and the screams, the snotty noses and the baby vomit... because I am already totally and utterly, head over heels in love.

And I just have to show you the gorgeous moses basket and rocker I have bought (yes I have started baby shopping, so much fun - but more to come on that later) it comes with it's own organic mattress and bedding. We hope to have her in our bed most of the time but I just couldn't resist this. Super duper cute factor:

Pebbles' Film Debut

2011-04-04T17:45:00.002+01:00

Finally! A decent internet connection made this possible.... (well that and three years of TTC and a lot of heartache)....

Pebbles at our 20 week scan. I love how her feet are up by her head. Wish I was that flexible.

Isn't she amazing and cute and adorable and just ..... everything I've ever wanted. Sigh.

22 Week Belly Pic

2011-04-03T15:32:00.003+01:00

Here is my little belly pop

Can't believe it. This is real.

Getting Birthfit

2011-03-30T22:50:00.002Z

I haven't managed to post for over a week! I can't tell you how much I am cramming into my days now that I have energy and am feeling normal. I know that by June the combination of the heat and being in my 30th week (God willing) will have me slowing down somewhat - so I am making the most of now.

I have taken on a lot of teaching - which I do enjoy, but mostly it's great to be earning some money and replenishing our savings (which have and will diminish rather rapidly as house building and furnishing continues) as I plan on taking a year off when the baby comes. I have often declared that I will be taking time off work only to find myself slowly taking more and more on a few months later. I'm thinking that having a baby might change all that.

Anyway this post was inspired by St. Elsewhere who asked me about my yoga practice during pregnancy and my TTC saga. So I decided to do a post about all the things I have been doing to get 'birthfit'.

In fact the whole concept of getting birthfit I only came upon in my first trimester. I knew that if I had a straightforward pregnancy I would want to have a natural birth at home. And I pretty much thought that was all there was to it - I just had to make the decision. It was only when I picked up this book:

That it became clear that I actually had to prepare my body and my mind for this. In fact I actually had to start training for it. Dr. Motha compares childbirth to running a marathon - and you wouldn't just sit on a sofa, eat chips, watch TV and then expect to be able to run a marathon a few months later.

Now prior to getting pregnant I was very much into my healthy lifestyle of eating well and doing yoga. I'm not fastidious about it - DEFINITELY NOT. I love my chocolate and enjoy indulging in a bowl of ice-cream in front of a good movie, fairly regularly. But I know that I feel like sh*t if I don't move. And power yoga was my activity of choice. It's great for promoting fertility too - it helps to regulate your hormones, get the blood pumping to the uterus and ovaries and I always felt great while doing it. However power yoga is not what you want to be doing if you are in the TWW. (All jumping, inversions and twisting should be avoided in the TWW and then while pregnant also.) So I would always take a break during that half of the month and just do gentle walking or stretches, until the big POAS moment came. Mostly there was no good news. But when the good news finally came I said goodbye to my power yoga class and took up gentler forms of yoga.

For the first trimester I tried to walk and do yoga at least three times a week. When I felt tired or groggy I would rest, I never pushed myself. After my miscarriage I wanted to take this trimester particularly easy. It was during this time that a friend gave me a copy of the Gentle Birth Method. On the back Dr. Gowri Motha was quoted "I have always been bemused by the fact that many pregnant women spend longer preparing the nursery for the baby than their bodies." That struck a chord with me. So I decided to read on. And then the first paragraph to her book had me sold. And even now I read it to reinforce why I am so focused on getting birth fit:"If you imagine that pregnancy means waddling, puffing up stairs and being the size of a house, then you're going to be pleased you bought this book. Because if there's one thing that characterizes absolutely all the mothers who follow my programme, it's this - they're light on their feet.... and the only water they retain is kept in a bottle in their handbags." She goes on to explain that the aim of the diet and exercise programme is to create a decongested pelvis and cervix so to allow the body to be in optimum condition for a gentle birth.

In the first trimester it stressed that it is quite normal and expected that exercise would be kept to a minimum. The combination of nausea, vomiting and exhaustion (not to mention fear of losing a long-sought after pregnancy) naturally limited the amount of energy and time I had to exercise, but when I could, I did, and actually I felt that the yoga and walking helped to take the edge off the nausea. This is the yoga DVD I did solely in the first trimester:

It is really so effective and easy to follow - and it is a joy to do. I followed the woman in her second trimester as I didn't want to push myself and do the full range of movement they show for the woman in her first trimester. The squats and hip opening exercises feel amazing and I can really feel a difference. I love all the side stretches too as I feel like I'm creating more room in my body for the baby and all the deep breathing means there's more oxygen too.

When I entered the second trimester I kicked the exercise routine into high gear. I walk everyday for at least 30 minutes and I do yoga for about an hour too. I still do the Shiva Rea DVD but now I alternate with a Kundalini yoga routine with Gurmukh (who is incredible!):

Kundalini yoga is a physical, mental & spiritual discipline for developing inner energy and awareness. I find this DVD more challenging both physically and mentally. The three-minute exercise is a killer at first but with dedication it can be done, and you really feel like you've achieved something once you can do it. You have to keep your arms at shoulder height and move your thumbs up and down in a circular motion for 3 minutes continuously. It feels like your arms are gonna fall off - but of course they don't! - and it's all about building your inner strength and mental capacity to go through the pain barrier. Very useful for birthing, I'm sure! I can just about do it now and feels amazing to conquer the doubt and negativity in your mind.

In the Gentle Birth Method diet is very important to getting birthfit. Dr. Motha wants you to avoid fluid retention and excess mucus production as this congests the vaginal tissues and restricts the cervix from gently opening. So she advocates eliminating wheat and other mucus producing foods, like sugar, as a way to avoid pelvic oedema. Definitely no sodas, pastries or other naughty foods. However you are allowed one treat a week. Though I will be honest and say that, while I do restrict myself, a piece of dark chocolate has become a daily treat for me.

In addition to restricting yourself from the yummy stuff, there is also an upside - all the body treatments! She recommends your partner perform massages on you at least twice a week in the second trimester. These include a pelvic drainage massage with olive oil - which Mr. T has been getting quite expert at. It feels amazing, I can feel liquid draining away and my pelvis and hips feel lighter and I do look more compact the morning after. It's great for him too as he feels more connected with the baby as he strokes my tummy and hips. She also recommends weekly treatments of reflexology, acupuncture or reiki also.

Apart from all the body preparation there is also a lot of mental preparation too. This I find the hardest of all. I have finally mastered the first part of the self-hypnosis where you go into deep relaxation and now I am moving on to the next step which is visualization. Visualizing a safe place - a garden, the beach - whatever makes you feel calm, safe and relaxed. My biggest problem is that most of the time I start this I just fall asleep. Maybe I get a little too relaxed? I try and do these self-hypnosis exercises twice a week at least.

The exercises, massage and diet all intensifies in the third trimester - I have read on a bit but don't want to jinx it, I don't let myself look too far ahead still - where no treats are allowed, more hip opening exercises and walking, more visualizations and the start of perineum massages... Mr. T doesn't know about this yet. Wondering if he'll find it a turn on, or say YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT???

All of this getting birthfit business does massively fill up my time (with work too) so that I barely get a chance to blog... but that also means I don't feel like this pregnancy is plodding by slowly. In fact the time seems to have raced along and I can't believe I will be 22 weeks this weekend. The countdown has officially begun - Operation Birthfit is picking up pace!

Bam Bam Is....

2011-03-22T09:30:00.000Z

Actually a Pebbles!

Such a shock for all of us as we were sure it was going to be a boy! That'll teach me to trust everyone's hunches! But we are all so happy - a girl I can't believe it. I just have to get my head around being a mother to a daughter now as I had been mentally preparing myself for a son. I think my first reaction was no pink plastic princess crap and no barbies!! Famous last words I'm sure but I just can't stand the stuff....

Anyway here is Pebbles' film debut:

OKAY I SPENT ALL OF LAST NIGHT TRYING TO UPLOAD IT BUT MY STUPIDLY SLOW INTERNET CONNECTION HAS DECIDED TO GIVE UP... Grrrrr... Anyway I will upload later on when I get to a half-way decent connection.....

So much to say...

2011-03-19T22:30:00.000Z

I've been on a forced blogging hiatus since our internet connection went down for a week! It's still a bit patchy so let's hope it holds out long enough for me to post this. So big news first: I felt the baby move for the first time last week. At first I was like, was that gas? But then I felt the movements stronger. And I knew. Since then I have felt movements on and off over this past week. Just like gentle nudges really. I wake Mr. T every time to tell him and every time he puts his hand on my belly hoping to feel something too... but alas baby has so far been uncooperative.

Today I am officially twenty weeks. Half-way through. It doesn't seem possible but here I am. I go for my second scan on Monday and even though it should be way less nerve-wracking than the last one, it isn't. Both Mr. T and I are already so anxious that something will be wrong.......will we always feel this way about scans? I mean we are very excited at the thought of seeing Bam Bam and perhaps finding out if he really is a Bam Bam or maybe a Pebbles... But that doesn't change the fact that I will be a quivering jelly again when I walk into the clinic.

I guess some things don't change. But moving on... I have finally confirmed my midwife. It was actually such an easy choice as she was really the best I found. I am very excited about getting to know her better and about the kind of birth I am aiming for. She will come out on my 37th week and stay until a few days after the baby is born. If I go a week overdue she will stay but I will have to pay a supplement. I am paying the normal price you would pay in the UK for a private midwife for the whole package of antenatal, birth and postnatal care. This is £3400 (about US$ 5000), though I will only be receiving a bit of antenatal and postnatal care from her, I have to pay for the full package since she won't be able to take on any more clients over that period while she is in Morocco with me. While it's not cheap I figured I would probably pay that if I was in the UK anyway and this is not something I want to skimp on. It may be that we can get our health insurance to cover part of it (or maybe all? - fingers crossed).

She will bring all her equipment with her. I just need to get the birthing pool (which I am borrowing from a friend) and an oxygen cylinder as she can't carry that on the plane. We are also paying for her return flight here and she will stay with us in our home. We have a spare room with it's own bathroom that opens out on to an inner courtyard so she should have plenty of privacy and feel comfortable. I am really looking forward to welcoming her here and spending this time with her. As she said in her email "Our relationship will be short and intense one. During my stay with you I'd give you as much time as you need to build a relationship and to discuss your birth plans and wishes and for us to be comfortable with each other."

Be back online soon! Many more posts to come including a special request from Wiseguy.

Good News

2011-03-08T23:00:00.001Z

Mika returned home! We searched for her everyday and finally I just got a feeling that if we went out and called for her she would come... and she did!! She's back home now and is acting like she never left! Relief.

Also I started interviewing midwives. I think I have found one! Basically I am on the verge of making the final decision: Having the baby at home in Morocco with a UK midwife. It's the decision I feel most comfortable with. The midwife I am thinking of choosing is really quite incredible. She has over 20 years experience, she has worked abroad, she is an ante-natal educator and breast feeding counselor for the National Childbirth Trust in the UK, has come to Morocco a lot and loves it, and she speaks French - which will help while she's here and for speaking to medical personnel at the hospital if I end up having to be transferred there. We spoke for over an hour and our philosophies regarding birth and babies are totally in sync, I really felt calm and relaxed around her.

Except for when I got off the phone and started crying. It was so spontaneous. I explained to Mr. T it's just that I can't believe I am actually talking to a midwife. That I am actually in THAT place where I will need her services. I have been dreaming of having a baby, and crucially giving birth to my baby in the way I want, for so many years, I just can't believe that is actually happening now. It feels so momentous. It IS so momentous. It just brought me to tears.

Anyway I am just going to check a few other people out but I already feel sure that I will choose her. So when the decision is finally made I will be sure to post up the details (including what I am paying!) just in case anyone else finds the info useful.

18 weeks and Unrelated Dramas

2011-03-05T11:20:00.000Z

Here I am at 18 weeks. Still walking. Still yoga-ing. Still trying to convince hubby that I am pregnant and we are going to have a baby in August (insh'Allah).

So while this is all so exciting and we are super duper happy, there is still a lot of grumpy-why me?-stress in our lives. I keep thinking, thank God we have this baby to keep us going on, as really Bam Bam is the only thing that matters, and all the other BS, is well just BS.

You see it looks like our builders have screwed us out of 15,000 Euros (US $21,000) and now we have to go and see a lawyer next week. This means our house build has slowed down a lot. We were meant to be in by January and now it's March and it doesn't look like we will be moving in anytime soon. Thankfully we decided to get the flooring and windows ourselves so these things are moving forward there but we now have to make a big money decision - do we finally fire our builders, swallow the loss for the time being, pay (again) for the final works to be done and then at least we can move in soon (though won't have any money left for furniture!) and try and get the money they owe us back off them at a later date. Or do we hold on, keeping the house static, not paying anything else and just wait to see what happens with the legal proceedings and just keep on living in my parents rented house until.....?? Grrrr.... stupid, irritating situation which we really didn't need right now - but looking on the bright side (what else can you do?) we have a learned a lot, I mean this has been a HUGE life lesson for Mr. T and me... though we seem to have had a lot of these recently. IF and miscarriage being our last huge life lessons.

Oh and to top it all off, our adorable furbaby Mika went missing last night. Mr.T went looking for her until 2am and I went off for an hour and a half looking for her this morning. No sign of her. Hoping she has just decided to go walkabout and will come home soon.

Birth Plans

2011-02-21T23:35:00.002Z

Have to start thinking about WHERE I am going to have this baby. Now I don't mean what hospital or birthing centre. Because I have always known since I was very young that my first choice would always be a home birth. My mum did her births at home. She believes strongly in it. And ever since I picked up Naomi Wolf's 'Misconceptions' when I was twenty it helped to confirm everything I already knew I wanted (and everything I didn't). While doing my MA I began writing essays on harmful hospital practices that had become routine during labour and birth, I wrote research papers on birthing cultures around the world and the history of the medicalization of birth in the UK. It was so empowering and I found myself completely immersed in the research and this drove forward the passion and determination in me to have a natural home birth with as little intervention as possible.

Since I am lucky enough to be healthy and strong and have (so far) a straightforward pregnancy, I now finally get to plan my own home birth. And so the WHERE of my dilemma relates to which country I will do it in. Here is where it gets complicated.

Morocco is a country where if you can afford it, you go to hospital to have a baby. And those hospitals practice the very worse of the medical/technical birthing procedures - women routinely placed in lithotomy, routine epidurals, routine drips, routine episotomies, routine pubic shaving and the rest. Very high rates of C-section. People look at you like you are totally mad if you tell them you want a home birth. Having a baby at home is something only poor women do as they can't afford to go to hospital. So I don't tell people. However there is a group of independent-thinking, educated women who have forged ahead and organized home births here. They have paid for midwives from the US and UK to come out and stay with them in their homes a month prior to their due date and help with the birth. One of these ladies even has her own birthing pool and has offered to lend it to me. This is one of my options. Paying for the midwife to come out and be with me for a month or more won't be cheap but I know it will be money well spent.

The only downsides to this plan are the following - a) it will be August when I have this baby and the heat can be unbearable, yes we have air conditioners and swimming pools - but some days it is like being in a hair dryer with temperatures hitting over 50C; b) Ramadan will start at the beginning of August, which means doctors and nurses will also be fasting and not drinking, if I do have to go to hospital do I really want help from medical staff who have not had anything to eat or drink all day?; c) I really wanted to go back to the UK so I could stock up on baby stuff I wanted and complete some courses in baby yoga and massage. I also want Mr. T to complete his infant first aid course (I always have a valid infant/child first aid certificate as I need it for my job).

My other option is to return to the UK and do a home birth there. There's just one teeny weeny complication. We have no home to have the home birth in. We would have to rent somewhere where we could have the baby at the place we rented. See how many short term rentals you can find over the Summer which would be suitable to give birth in. Yeah slim pickings. I researched it for weeks and we would have to spend a minimum of 3000 GBP for 2 months for anything suitable, as it's high season for vacation rentals. I started thinking how much baby stuff 3000 GBP could buy. A LOT. So the UK option doesn't really seem like an option anymore unless a fairy godmother materializes and finds me the perfect place for freeeeeeeeeee or really cheap anyway.

But there is another option. A friend of mine out here is pg also. She is due just 3 weeks after me. We are discussing the options of renting a place together on the coast somewhere in Morocco where it will be cooler and then splitting the cost of a midwife to come out and care for us. But this is not straightforward either as she has some issues that could give her complications so she needs to have access to a good hospital and OBGYN. And then there's the Ramadan thing - the idea of having a C-section done by a doc who hasn't even had a glass of water all day is not a comforting thought. So she's not sure what she wants to do either.

Anyway so that's where we're at for the moment. Lots to figure out but I know it will all work out as it's intended to. Would be nice to figure it out soon though!

16 weeks!

2011-02-19T21:15:00.002Z

I made it to 16 weeks. Can't quite believe it - but my belly has started to show. So I guess I better start believing it.

I had a major dip back to pregnancy vomiting a few days ago (vomited 5 times in one day!!) and it floored me. Slowly getting back to feeling normal now. Loads to tell you about. Soon. Including my birthing location dilemma. I know it may seem too early to talk about this but I need to book an independent midwife and so I have to do it in advance.

I will post tomorrow about this. I just had to mark my 16th week today!

Mucus Factory

2011-02-14T12:14:00.000Z

That's how I feel right now. Gross I know. If you'd really rather not know anymore, then don't read on.

Seriously don't.

So not only have my lady bits turned into Niagra falls.

Oh yes.

But now I am suffering with serious nasal congestion. Can't breave. I have been through countless boxes of tissues. The mucus is going down the back of my throat. Nice. Giving me a really nasty cough and this morning inducing my first vomiting session for a few weeks now. And just when I was starting to feel on top of the world!

I've read that this is all normal in pregnancy and that there's not much you can do about it. However according to Dr. Gowri Motha (my new guru on pregnancy and birth along with Ina May) I can help it get better by cutting out mucus producing foods. These include wheat (already done since September), bananas (i love em) and dairy (oops, shouldn't have eaten that piece of cheese before I went to bed last night). So out goes my morning yoghurt, my afternoon yoghurt and yes my evening yoghurt. And then hopefully I will be able to B-R-E-A-T-H-E through my nose. And there will be no more vomiting. As let me tell you, vomiting while unable to breathe through your nose is a pretty terrifying experience. Ugh.

Baby Reiki

2011-02-07T16:45:00.002Z

I have been offline for a while as I let the good news actually sink in. I got past 3 months. I am officially in my second trimester now at 14 weeks pregnant. It still takes me time to really believe it. Mr. T and I have been walking around in a daze pretending to be effective and get things done but all the while not really believing what is going on.

Anyway I have taken up my prenatal yoga with renewed vigour - I now do a walk and yoga everyday, which feels so good. And I have regular TCM and massage sessions, which is also a God send. But apparently very essential and good for preparing for a healthy natural birth according to Dr. Gowri Motha (but more to come on that later). Anyway so the point of this post is baby reiki. I had my first reiki session a few days ago and absolutely love love loved it. The reiki lady was so lovely and I could have talked to her for hours. Basically I told her that I have tried not to really connect with my baby as a way of protecting myself in the first 12 weeks. I wasn't even sure if it was still there and I was very aware of not falling too in love in case my heart was going to be broken again.

But now I feel that I need to connect. I need to make up for that lost time and I want to be present and enjoy the rest of this pregnancy. She was amazing and really spoke through all my emotions and things I could do. (She even gave me a great tip for nappy rash, okay I know that's way too early yet, but I appreciated it. The tip? Breast milk.) So we finally got round to the reiki. It was amazing, I could feel energy moving, sometimes it felt like she had four hands, which was a little freaky! Afterwards she told me that I was totally in balance and that doing reiki on me was like doing reiki on a very healthy person - yay! Also she did some reiki on the baby. She said it is always incredible doing reiki on an unborn baby as the energy flows the other way. With adults the energy flow is very much from her to the patient but with a baby she gets a huge rush of energy coming out. She said the energy flow was very powerful and it was clear when she was hovering over the baby. This was so reassuring but also really helped me to connect with Bam Bam and think of him as a growing bundle of energy.

I don't think that I am showing quite yet but I know it won't be long. I just can't wait until I feel the baby move for the first time. I did all my pregnancy blood tests this morning that are standard for Morocco - blood count, VD screening, glycaemic levels and toxoplasmosis. So hopefully they will all come back normal and we can move forward to the next milestone with lightness and ease. Off to do some prenatal yoga now and get my hips more flexible.... Namaste.

Bam Bam

2011-01-26T18:50:00.000Z

Today we saw our baby. Alive and well. We even saw him move. OMG. The whole experience was very surreal mainly because I saw the whole thing through blurry eyes as I couldn't stop crying. But thanks be to God, our baby's heart was beating and all looked good. As everyone has been so sure it's a boy we nicknamed him Bam Bam a while ago but I didn't want to say this out loud until I got passed this point.

What a day. I burst into tears as soon as I walked into the scan room. I was nervous as all hell. Dr. B came straight in and didn't waste anytime. The scan wasn't totally crystal clear as we just did an over the belly scan and did it very quickly. But we clearly saw the placenta, the umbilical cord and of course the baby's head and body. We even saw Bam Bam's head move. Lots of crying and lots of relief. In fact it has been so emotional, that I am quite exhausted now. So so grateful for all your support and for this amazing blessing that has come to us. I hope now I can finally begin to enjoy this pregnancy. Insh'Allah.

Lola

2011-01-24T18:50:00.000Z

Tonight I light a candle for Lola.

Lola is Wiseguy's daughter. She was born on January 14th. But tragically passed away two days later. Though she is gone from this earth, she will never be forgotten.

Lola was so precious and so loved. She was dreamed about long before she came into this world.

Please pass by Wiseguy's blog to offer some words of comfort at this terrible time.

Plan A / Plan B

2011-01-23T18:10:00.002Z

I'm still holding my breath. It's quite a challenge I can tell you. I close my eyes and imagine a ultrasound scan with a 12 week fetus clearly visible, large head, moving limbs and the heartbeat shown clearly on the monitor. Every time I picture this tears start suddenly flooding down my cheeks. Tears because I would be so happy and ultimately so relieved. These are good thoughts. Good tears. So plan A is that Mr. T and I would go out and celebrate our much deserved and much longed for miracle. A box of chocolates from Praline D'Or (the bestest most deliciousest chocolate shop in Marrakech), dinner at one of our favourite restaurants and lots and lots of cuddles. That's Plan A.

But of course I also have to think of the dark side. I cannot afford not to prepare myself. A lifeless small body, no heartbeat, just floating. I am prepared for that outcome. It would be horribly tragic and sad. But I feel resigned to accept whatever fate has given me. I have done all that I can. I am healthier and stronger than I ever have been. I have been very kind to myself and taken lots of rest. I take my prenatals, choline, zinc & omega 3 religiously. I know this is my best chance. I will accept whatever is. I am resigned to it.

And so we have also made a plan B. When discussing the options for plan B, I looked at Mr. T and with a hopeful look said 'Maldives again?' We are in the middle of building a house, Mr. T reminded me, and so the Maldives may be a little out of the budget for the moment. That is true. But we now have direct flights from Marrakech to Rome and Bologna, I chimed in. Ah, that could be doable, he agreed. So Plan B is to go home and cry (and hold each other tight) and then book tickets to either Rome or Bologna for a little healing escapism.

So while I have never been to Italy and have always wanted to go, mainly to gorge myself on some of the best cuisine in the world, I am of course rooting for Plan A. Of all the things I have ever wanted in my life this is one of the only things that actually means anything at all. I know you know.

And here I am at 12 weeks now *nail biting*. But I am not rushing off to the doc's tomorrow or the day after. I have decided to go on Wednesday when I am truly into the 12th week. Just something I want to do. I have kept my agenda blank for Wednesday and beyond as I just don't know where I'll be. Celebrating or mourning? Being faced with such a black or white outcome is overwhelmingly intense - but I am much more prepared than last time. Last time it didn't even enter into my consciousness for a second that anything could be wrong. This time I know differently and I think being so prepared will make any bad news easier to take. That's the theory anyway, we'll see how we go in real life.

Please send good thoughts/vibes/prayers our way on Wednesday. Thank you!

11 Weeks

2011-01-16T22:10:00.000Z

It's here. The countdown has officially begun. Oh please oh please. Let everything be right here. Right now.

If you listen really carefully, no matter how far away you may be. No matter how many oceans, mountains or deserts that are between us. You may be able to hear me. Holding my breath.

Wana hear something funny (and gross)?

2011-01-14T22:45:00.001Z

So I was at my TCM weekly session just explaining how my nausea was easing off and I was feeling good, when I was suddenly hit by a strong wave of queasiness. Barely two minutes later and I puked all over the floor of the treatment room. How's that for timing? I swear the Universe does have a sense of humour!

Anyway so I managed to have a good TCM session despite the vomiting incident. Later on in the evening I started to get really bad nausea again. I just felt seriously shit the whole evening. I finally got into bed when I realised that I should actually get out of bed and RUN to the bathroom! Projectile vomiting over and over. And poor poor Mr. T had to clean it all up. He really is a star.

So today I have just been relaxing and sleeping. Really quite exhausted from yesterday's puking extravaganza. I tell you bloggy-world, this all better not be for nothing!

P.S. Please, please go and check out this post from Eileen - it brought tears to my eyes and is one of the realest and most moving posts I have ever read.

Anybody's guess?

2011-01-10T11:45:00.001Z

I am now well into my 10th week and it feels like this pregnancy is anybody's guess. I do still have symptoms and some days they are strong and I am retching over the sink and other days not so much. I swing from believing I have already miscarried to being sure everything is fine and the baby's heart is beating away and I can start thinking about pregnancy pillows, vitamin E cream and birth plans.

And somedays I just don't know. The end of this first trimester feels like one big roller coaster.

I went to see the lovely TCM lady a few days ago and told her all my fears. She really explained to me how important it is for my baby that I try to stay on an even keel. I explained why I didn't want to do the scan yet and asked if there were any things she could do that would give an indication of how things were going. She checked my pulses and said that I had a very strong pregnancy pulse - the way the pulse feels changes during pregnancy and becomes more slippery apparently. She asked me if I had any inkling as to whether it was a boy or a girl, which I don't, I just want to know if it's alive. But my mum and Mr.T both think it's a boy. TCM lady agreed, she told me the pregnancy pulse is very strong on the left side which usually means it's a boy. Wow. Very cool. But ultimately I only care that it is alive and healthy - the boy/girl thing does not matter to me one bit. I just want an alive, healthy baby. She told me that she felt everything was fine but that nobody can tell me that for definite, only a scan will. So while I feel relatively reassured I still don't feel I can fully relax and enjoy the pregnancy yet. I just hope I am on track and all is good. Only 2 weeks to go before the moment of truth!

With A Vengeance

2011-01-05T11:30:00.000Z

Okay just a few hours after my last post and my symptoms came back. With a vengeance. So much nausea that I have had full on vomiting fests. Hurray. And boobs are sore, sore, sore. So I do feel relieved. But also really yucky at the same time.

That's me. And the spots aren't too off the mark either.

Hopefully all this suffering means everything is going well! I just have to have faith and be positive. I won't go for a scan until 12 weeks. This is just what I want to do. It's just a feeling I have had for a while, which is backed up by some research from well-known midwives and out-of-the-box thinking obstetricians. If anything does go wrong then I will know it was not the scan. I'm over 9 weeks now so I don't have long to wait and then all will be revealed.

Until then hope, faith, positivity.

Panicked

2011-01-01T08:30:00.001Z

I have started 2011 off with being in a panic and a really bad cold. My nose is blocked (and at the same time constantly running), neck glands starting to get swollen and chest beginning to hurt. My nose is so raw from the constant blowing I can barely touch it, ouch. I have filled up carrier bags with my used tissues, gross. And since this came on yesterday, the nausea and sore boobs have disappeared (but not the food aversions). I panicked. Am panicking. Still. A bit.

Mr. T phoned Dr. S to discuss this all and basically I have this dastardly cold because I have compromised my immune system by eating all the things I am allergic too. Such as bread and potatoes. When Mr. T told me what Dr. S said I burst into tears out of frustration as those have been the only things I could eat without vomiting. The only things that took away my nausea. But Dr. S said it was vital that I stick to the diet and also eat some meat. Gag.

My mum then came into my room and gave me a stiff talking to. Which I needed at the time. Power through. Mind over matter. And don't beat yourself up about what's done. I got out of bed, had a shower (which I desperately needed) and went for a short walk - determined to change the last week's pattern. So wheat and potatoes are back off the menu and due to my blocked nose my sense of smell is virtually nil, which enabled me to take a few spoonfuls of minced lamb yesterday. I think I might try and take further advantage of my lack of smell as it means I can eat a range of foods without gagging. So that's my silver lining at the moment I guess.

However as I am at the same stage the baby stopped growing last time, I am nervous. Nervous that something might be wrong. Often there are no signs for a missed miscarriage, however one of the signs can be a tapering off of pregnancy symptoms, and so when the nausea and sore boobs abated (which is still the case) I panicked. I am panicking. Still. A bit. Eeek. I am so worried that the sudden weakness of my pregnancy symptoms might mean another missed M/C. So so scared. But trying to be positive. Not to imagine the worst. I keep telling myself that there's nothing I can do if there is a problem, nothing anyone can do. So I just have to ride it out.

Not the best start to 2011. But usually when I have a crappy new year's eve, I have a good year. And when I have a good new year's eve I have a crappy year. So here's hoping.

Over 8 Weeks

2010-12-30T20:20:00.000Z

Hi. I'm still here. And just over the 8 week mark.

Still feeling pregnant so I'm hoping that's all good. Though after the silent miscarriage, I know nothing is for sure. But I woke at 5am this morning. Hungry, retching, needing to pee. I just wish these things didn't happen all at the same time.

I've been feeling much more tired this pregnancy. I sleep a lot and the nausea can come in strong waves but thankfully nothing as bad as last time. I managed to do a good walk up a hill to see this ruined kasbah on boxing day - I felt really good and I have now realised that exercise helps to combat the nausea. It's just that most of the time, I feel too tired to exercise, so it's a vicious cycle.

Oh and it was my wedding anniversary yesterday. Three years. But I have developed a slight cold so I'm taking it really easy and having an in-bed day. We decided that we would celebrate the anniversary later when I'm feeling better and can stomach eating normal food at a restaurant. I have totally gone off meat and fish. I cannot stand the smell of it. All I want is bread, cheese and potatoes. Basically everything that I am not meant to eat according to Dr. S.

So I have sent him an email to see what is the best way forward. I need to eat and these are the only things I want right now. Also on the alternative healing track I went to see this amazing woman who does TCM and also kinesiology like Dr. S, but she is here in Morocco. I told her that basically I am in good health now thanks to Dr. S but that I need help to stay calm and balanced during these next few weeks because I still worry after my miscarriage.

I won't go into the specifics of the treatment but basically she did these psychological tests on me: she got me to say these statements and then she tested to see if I believed them. I had to say things like 'I will have a healthy, happy pregnancy' and 'I will have a safe and healthy birth'. The testing showed that I truly believed these things. Then she asked me to say something about my miscarriage about accepting it and moving on. I took a deep breath and then out of nowhere I just burst into tears. It shocked me. We spoke about the pain, I cried, she cried, we talked a lot. And then we decided to try saying it again. I said what I had to say about accepting the loss and moving on and this time I did, and I believed it. It was incredibly powerful and felt like a great weight was lifting off me.

Then she tested me some more and she told me there was something else unresolved. We tried a number of things and they were not my issues. Then she asked me to say 'I deserve a happy, healthy pregnancy.' I said it, she tested me and I did not pass. We did it again, again I showed that I did not believe it. This was my unresolved issue. Part of me did not believe that I deserved to have a successful pregnancy. So we did all these psychological exercises to try and resolve this and figure out why I might feel this way.

It was quite complicated stuff but the crux of it came down to the fact that I felt that having a baby is something so sacred and so wonderful that I wasn't worthy. Which I think I may have always felt deep deep down in my subconscious. Anyway she made me do lots of analysis so that I can break this cycle of thought and turn into to something positive rather than being down on myself. Definitely a turning point. I left her office feeling buoyant.

So other than my annoying cold, I am doing well. Except for the nausea. And the tiredness. And the painful nipples. But I won't complain about these. Because as soon as these symptoms disappear I panic a bit. And can't wait for them to come back. And then when they do I wish they would go away. Go figure. I am becoming impossible to please. I'm sure Mr. T would agree right now!

6 weeks

2010-12-13T23:50:00.001Z

So far, so good. So far as I can tell. Sore boobage and nausea creeping in. Hopefully I won't be vomiting like last time, Dr. S did tell me the nausea wouldn't be so bad now my vitamin B6 levels are normal. So hopefully all these signs mean the bean has now progressed to a tadpole.

Also I just got the results from all my reproductive immunology testing. All normal. Thank the Lord. The word 'relieved' just doesn't cut it. I'm sure my normal results have a lot to do with what Dr. S did for me. Did I tell you that he called me on my cell from the UK to congratulate me on my pregnancy? He also told me to up my Omega 3 now that I am pg as this does the same as aspirin, but without the side effects. He is simply the best doctor I have ever met.

Positivity. Hope. Faith. That's the new 6 week plan for me. Just get me to that 12 week milestone!

5 weeks

2010-12-08T10:35:00.000Z

And still pregnant as far as I know. Have decided not to test my HCG anymore and just chill out. Whatever will be will be. Anyway I read anything past 6000 can't tell you much as the levels eventually begin to stabilize. So let's just hope the little bean is progressing well.

I feel I am being Ms. Positive Thinking at the moment. I try and do a lot of visualization exercises whenever I feel the dark clouds of doubt creeping in. It helps. I am doing a lot of reading to distract myself. I just finished the Poisonwood Bible - an incredible book. If you haven't read it you must! Oh I still wish I hadn't finished it as I was totally lost in that world and loved reading every sentence.

I've also started Xmas baking. The Xmas cake got made last night, so now it has a few weeks to mature. We are spending Xmas with my family here in Morocco. I am so looking forward to spending it with my family and having lots of good food and good times.

Oh and also I run a weekly quiz night at a local cafe and we are in the middle of building the house so I have lots of things to occupy myself with - though Mr. T is very strict about me taking it easy!! I should divulge that as I write this I am enjoying my breakfast in bed which, I might add, Mr. T has been preparing for me every morning since he got back. I know, I'm a lucky bitch. More updates to come....

News with a capital 'N'

2010-11-30T11:23:00.004Z

Ahem. Ahum. Err. Wah. Hmmm. So. Nervous. Yes. Not sure about sharing this news. Here. Yet.

Mainly because of IRL people who read this blog. Any IRL people who do read this blog, please, please do not spread this around. Keep this close to your chest. Because we don't know where this will go or what will happen and I don't want people contacting my parents or Mr. T parent's until we know things are looking more secure.

Can you guess what my news might be?? Can you?

Well I'm sure you already have. Yes I am. *Deep in take of breath* Just 4 weeks.

Beta on Friday 44.9. Beta on Monday 229.

(I really wanted to do one of those graph things from BabyMed but they don't seem to do them anymore. If you know where I can go to make one please send the link my way.)

I had my progesterone levels checked too. They are good. So my plan until I get to 12 weeks is to have my HCG checked every Monday along with my progesterone levels. Then if all goes well and we reach 12 weeks we will scan. Until then there will be no scans. No baby tickers. No celebrations. Just lots of rest and positive thinking. And pre-natal yoga. And slow walks in the countryside.

I am so so grateful to Dr. S. Just 8 weeks after starting his program and I am pregnant. I know it's because of what he did for me. And we got pregnant totally naturally, first time trying. I know! How annoying am I? But seriously. So so happy. A little nervous. Trying to be calm and sage-like. It's very early days so we shall proceed with caution. And faith.

Oh and Mr. T comes home today from a long trip. Happy. Me. Face. Smiling.

Back!

2010-11-03T08:32:00.001Z

I'm back from my whirlwind travels and more doctors appointments. I dread to think how much money we've spent on IF/health investigations if you include flights & hotels etc.. not to mention the doctor's fees!

But. If we eventually have our longed for baby it will all be worth it in the end. So I went back to Dr. S who told me 6 weeks ago that I had serious metal toxicity and that I needed to eat meat (shock!) and stop eating wheat, along with a host of other fruits and vegetables that can make inflammation worse. So I did it all. When I went back to him, he told me he is surprised at the progress I have made. All my other issues he found have disappeared as a result. He tested me for metals, he confirmed that I have got rid of them. He tested me again for wheat - still serious issue with it and he suggested I stay off of it. I have no problem with that, I have felt amazing not eating it. He confirmed that I no longer had any vitamin deficiencies (before my levels of B6 were negligible) and then he said I am going to test to see if you can get pregnant and importantly stay pregnant. I held my breath. I passed. INSERT LARGE BEAMING SMILE HERE:

He has prescribed me a pre-natal supplement, lots of zinc, omega 3 and choline (to make my baby smart, he said). Apparently choline helps with forming more connections in the brain and the more you have the more intelligent you are, so choline me up baby!! So I am officially back TTC. Well I will be next week anyway. Today is CD3 and for the first time in many many months I feel hopeful and positive. I feel that this may actually happen for us. In fact Dr. S gave me a firm but kind talk about enjoying my life and not concentrating my energies on worrying about what may happen but to already imagine my baby in my arms. It's hard to do. I told Mr. T afterward that holding a baby, my baby, feels like a kind of fantasy and when I think of it, I feel like I might as well be dreaming about unicorns and fairies. My baby has existed on that fantasy plain for so long, I find it hard to believe it might one day be real. When I said this I knew it was time for an attitude change. I only began to think like this to protect myself. Now it's time to open up myself again to allow good things to happen. I don't want worry or anxiety to hold me back. Time to picture myself with a healthy baby and believe it can and will happen. It's a tall order. Even Mr. T told me he will be an anxious wreck when (not if!!!) I get pg. I told him we will cross that bridge when we come to it. First we have more important things to do....

I also managed to get all the blood testing I missed out on last time we were back in London. So it will be interesting to see what the results say - these tests are for reproductive immunological issues. I spoke to Dr. S to see what he thought about it all and he raised a very valid point I thought - he said if you have major food insensitivities and you are eating something wrong for you, this will cause inflammation which will initiate a heightened immune response. Now that I have removed this inflammation I will be very interested to know my results from the blood testing and to see how my immune system is functioning. So we move forward on two fronts.

We have the more natural scientific approach from Dr. S - whose protocols have had a major affect on my general health. I have never felt better - so I do hold out significant hope that this will translate into healthier and better levels of fertility. And as a back-up we have done the testing for the reproductive immunological approach so if we ever need to that road is always there.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to have a serious chat with my attitude and my uterus.

Uterus? Can you hear me? We are finally back in business! Don't let me down!

Busy Busy Bee

2010-10-31T10:03:00.005Z

That's me. I have had no time to blog at all! This is all because of our house which is coming on very well (and very fast) so it takes a lot to keep up!

Just a quick update. The six weeks is up! I can't believe how fast it's gone. I have finally completed the 6 week programme from my doctor and I am flying out to see him tomorrow. I feel amazing. I have lost so much weight. I have so much energy and everyone comments how well I look. I finally think this doctor has figured out what my problems were. I have a follow-up appointment with him tomorrow and he will design a pro-conception plan for me. Finally we are getting back on the TTC hamster wheel... yes I am actually looking forward to it.

Lastly, I have taken time off blogging as my due date was looming and I was highly emotional. Lots of birth announcements were coming in and though I am so happy for all those who have their longed for babies, it just brought the pain home again even more. It was time to protect myself. Mr. T and I commemorated the day by having a picnic on our land. We wrote a letter to our baby and we have a lantern we are going to attach it to and send it off into the sky the day we move into our home. It helped. I needed to finally say goodbye.

I hope I have more time to blog in the up-coming weeks. And to catch up with you too. Be back soon!

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

No internet, the world & my bum

2010-10-03T12:45:00.000Z

I have been cut off from the world. From you. From everyone. Like I was stuck on a desert island.

Except I wasn't. Cos that would have been quite nice. I was just at home with no internet boo!

Oh and my detox is really getting underway. Feeling the effects tremendously. TMI WARNING. I felt like the world fell out of my bum this morning.

The World. Bum. Fell out.

My insides feel like they have shrunk - like when you blow up balloon and then let it go and it flies around the room. Well my tummy feels like that balloon after it's flown around the room and then landed all wrinkled on the floor. Wah.

The Rollercoaster

2010-09-28T16:30:00.000Z

Sometimes I feel like I'm riding a roller-coaster.

Sometimes I'm in that calm bit where the roller coaster is just slowly but determinedly climbing up, click-clack-click-clack, and I'm just enjoying the view - calm and serene.

And then comes the rush and I am having so much fun, a bit scared but loving the exhilaration.

This is how I feel when we begin a round of TTC.

Then before I know it I'm upside down and feeling sick, confused and disorientated.

This is mid TWW when I start to lose my mind.

And then it comes to the end. Oh. Can we go again?

Simple Things

2010-09-26T21:20:00.001Z

Today I am thankful for simple things. Things that make life good even when you feel the storm closing in around you.

Smiles. The best form of communication.

Plants. I love my two frangipani trees. I have been growing them since June. They are really shooting up now and I can't wait till they get their first flowers.

Kisses. Lots and lots of kisses. Kissing is good for the soul.

I'm sure I've posted on that before! Well I've been told I'm a pretty good kisser....

Time. I am thankful when I have time to myself to do things I want to do. Like blog. Or knit. Or swim. Or cook. Or just be. Contemplating. The things that make me happy.

The House Post

2010-09-25T13:00:00.001Z

So as some of you may know we started building our very first house this year. In fact it was the one thing that kept me going after the miscarriage as it gave me a project to throw myself into and I felt/feel like I'm creating something for our future.

About two years ago we bought a piece of land outside of Marrakech. It had beautiful views of the Atlas mountains, it had 70 olive trees, some almond trees, pomegranate and carob trees too. We fell in love with it and dreamed our dreams of bringing up our little family in the house we would one day build on the land, when we could afford it. Now as you all know, life doesn't always work out as planned. The babies didn't come. The money we needed took a little longer to earn than we thought. Then our car broke down and we had to buy a new one, so that delayed things on the money front again. And still the babies didn't come. Then the money situation was looking better and we could finally build the first small house. I got pregnant and it felt like everything was coming together. When I lost the baby I fell apart. But the one

shining light that kept me going through it all was the dream of this house, a dream that was starting to become real.

The house we are building is a small house, that will eventually act like a studio/guest annex when we can save up enough to build the main house. We are trying to be as environmentally-friendly as possible and so the house is being built out of adobe brick with as little cement as

possible. (Since cement has a massive carbon footprint.) The only cement that has been used is in the footings of the house and for the roof. We have our own well for all our water needs, we will have a special waste water system that filters everything back into clean water for watering the garden - and we are looking into permanent magnet technology to help generate some of our energy needs. Anyway enough talking, I'll let the pictures speak for themselves:

Outline of the house.

Making the adobe bricks.

Looking onto the front door.

Fireplace in the living room.

Bookcase niches.

Looking out the front door.

A roof!

Me walking on the newly set roof.

Can't wait until there are more photos to show and the house starts to look more like a home. It has all been worth the wait.

I'll Do Anything

2010-09-22T10:25:00.001Z

To have a baby. I pretty much will. Even if it involves a thousand people inspecting my uterus... wait I think that has already happened. Even it involves discussing my husband's sperm with the whole world.... oh no wait with the help of this blog, I think I've pretty much done that too. Even if it involves me eating meat when I haven't done so for twenty years, being a life-sworn-close-to-militant vegetarian, I would eat meat if it would help me have a baby. And last night I did! Eat meat I mean, not have a baby.

I am now no longer a herbivore but officially a carnivore! This is so unbelievable and I think demonstrates the lengths I will go to get pregnant and stay pregnant. Okay I know eating meat doesn't sound like a sacrifice, or even half as bad as having thousands of people look up your vagina. But to me it's a massive deal. I became a vegetarian on principle when I was ten years old. And I have never wavered in all that time. So last night was a momentous occasion, I had to get psyched up and talk myself into it - I just kept repeating that I was doing it for the baby, doing it for the baby, doing it for the baby... and before I knew it I had eaten four lamb keftas! I have to say they tasted gooooood.... and it wasn't as traumatic as I thought it would be. Though not calling myself a vegetarian anymore is very strange indeed. It was such a part of my identity and now I feel like I am leaving that part of me behind. Perhaps to welcome the new phase of my life that I have wanted and dreamed about for so long?

So welcome to any ICLWers who have visited my blog for the first time. Today you visit on a momentous day! The start of my life as a meat-eater and hopefully a more healthy-able-to-get-pregnant-and-stay-pregnant woman. The first step in the new plan. Accomplished.

Now for the rest.

The New Plan

2010-09-19T22:45:00.001Z

I have to say my trip to UK was quite stressy. Lots of things went wrong. I felt very crappy.

The biggest thing being we couldn't get half the blood tests done we needed to because the lady who made our appointment messed up BIG time. We had specifically told her that we would only be in the country for a few days and so needed to make sure we could get everything done that was necessary - we asked if there were any days or times in my cycle that we needed to be there so we could get all the comprehensive testing done. She booked us in for Friday. So we meet the Doc on Friday and he arranges for all these tests. At the lab we get told that most of the tests needed can only be done on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday as they need to be sent to the lab in Chicago. They can't be sent on Friday as it means they will arrive on Saturday and nobody will be available to do the testing until Monday, so the blood will have expired. Is this some kind of bad joke? We went back and forth to try to figure out what to do, but the only thing was to re-book our flights. This meant more hotel, parking and flight costs. It was just too much so we decided to just do the tests we could and then return at later date for the other ones.

Very very frustrating as that was the main reason we had come over. I was fuming with the receptionist. Then to top it all off, the car we had borrowed was clamped. After we had spent close to 100 GBP (US$ 160) on parking already.

But before I dwell too much on that. I should talk about the things we did achieve. We both had blood taken for karyotyping, I had my bloods taken for ovarian reserve testing and a load of infection screening. I had an internal exam with saline solution to check for polyps and other irregularities - that was clear. I also had an endometrial biopsy performed. However we still need to do bloods for auto immune issues - those are the really interesting tests, which now have to wait. Oh and we also found out about my misplaced ovary - which I'm not really sure how problematic that is.

But. I also went to another doctor who does things outside the box. He is a qualified MD but a specialist in applied kinesiology amongst other things. And to make a long story short he told me that I have to start eating meat. I have been a vegetarian for twenty years. TWENTY YEARS. I eat fish but no meat at all. A vegetarian diet is good for some people but not for me, he said. Genetically I am programmed to eat meat. He told me that as I am blood type 0 and as a result of a number of other tests he did, I have to eat some red meat. He said that by not eating any red meat that I am killing myself. It was like someone had slapped me across the face.

After a number of other tests he told me that I also have a big problem with wheat (who doesn't?) and that I have significant heavy metal toxicity - which I also found out with hair mineral analysis last year. He told me that I need to take 6 weeks off TTC and do his protocol to flush out the heavy metals, replenish my Vitamin B6 (which is virtually nil) and cut out inflammatory foods. Then after 6 weeks I will get re-tested and we will do a pro-conception plan. So I decided to go for it. I've felt quite crappy the last few weeks so I know something is up. I want to be pregnant so bad but I also want to be healthy and pregnant. That is paramount. So I can take 6 weeks off to get healthy.

However it will be a real challenge as first and foremost I have to eat meat. The doc wants me to eat lamb - no pork, chicken or even beef. Just a bit of lamb a couple of times a week along with the fish that I eat. I have decided I will do it, but I keep putting it off. My mum is so sweet and is very sympathetic to my situation and is going to prepare a bit of lamb for me for my first time. I know this might sound very silly and pathetic but for me it is a very big deal. But it's not only meat. For six weeks I have to cut out wheat, dairy, tomatoes, eggplant, potatoes, peppers, citrus fruit and tropical fruits. When I read this list I was like OMG that's my whole diet! So have been feeling a bit distressed as every meal time is such a challenge! My mum is going to design a weekly menu for me (she is a nutritionist) and I just keep telling myself that it is just for six weeks.

So that is the new plan. Six weeks of a very restrictive diet plus supplements, walks everyday and saunas to flush myself of metals. Plus I have to drink about 3 liters of water a day. I pee a lot. And I suppose I will for the next 6 weeks. I keep thinking to myself Mr. T really committed himself to a new healthy lifestyle and has made such improvements - I can do it too. Yes I can. (Even the meat. I think.)

Dude, where's my ovary?

2010-09-17T23:30:00.003Z

Seriously. Lots to tell you about my doctor's appointments but I am so so tired. I will fill you in soon. But for the moment I will just share with you the strangest bit of news that happened when I was having a scan. It must have been my gazillionth scan of the last two years, so all pretty routine, when the doctor told me my right ovary was in the wrong place. Err.. what?

My right ovary has apparently moved towards the left and is sitting behind my uterus. WTF? How could all those people who have seen inside my uterus over the last year (and that is a lot of people) not have noticed this? Indeed the fact that this is the first time any one has mentioned this leads me to believe that this is a new development. That it has just started wandering. Or has it? Could it be that the position of my misplaced ovary was never picked up on? The doc seemed to think so. He said that ovaries don't usually move around that much. So did my ovary move or has it always been in the wrong place?

Just one of the many questions arising from my trip. I want answers damn it! Not questions!!

Amazing News!

2010-09-15T21:30:00.000Z

Oh my oh my. I don't know where to begin. But first let me calm those enthusiastic optimists - No, I'm not pregnant. Not. But. Do you remember when I posted about Mr. T's first SAs? Remember when we first heard that he had only 4 million sperm/ml, and then that went to 11 million sperm/ml - and the "expert" doctor we went to said it would never be enough to get me pg and it would never improve much???

Well. After the varicocele embolization in July of last year things improved. In December he did an SA and for the first time Mr. T had sperm within reference levels at 36 million/ml. There were still some motility problems but it was much much better. And with an IUI I got pg a few months later. But since we hadn't had any good news since the chemical pregnancy Mr. T decided he better check again to make sure the achievements he made hadn't been undone over time. But. Ladies, and the few gentlemen who read this, we got his latest SA result yesterday and. Drum roll please..... 61 million sperm/ml!!!! Excellent motility! Excellent forms!!

Oh my oh my! We never thought this would be possible from 4 million two years ago to this, it's amazing! We are both so pleased. And shocked. So much so that Mr. T called the lab twice to make sure they hadn't mixed up his pot with someone else. They laughed at him. And reassured him that the sample was his. Though they asked him to come back and do another one to make sure it wasn't a fluke as they were shocked too!

So now, the problem may really lie with me, we will see. Wouldn't that be typical? We solve one problem only to have another develop? Anyway we start uncovering that tomorrow. Off to my first appointment tomorrow morning. Nervous and pleased at the same time. Wish me luck!

Feeling a little

2010-09-12T22:26:00.004Z

Just one of those days.

Appointments

2010-09-10T20:45:00.001Z

I have them! Lots of them! Next week I have an appointment with two doctors. Both with different approaches to medicine and health and both probably not given the time of day by conventional health practitioners. I am really excited about the amount of testing they will do, as it will be so extensive that if anything is not right, I'm confident it will be diagnosed. This is what we need. When it comes to my health and fertility I don't want to play guessing games anymore. What I needz is information!

The first doctor is Dr. Shohet who practices functional medicine and kinesiology. My mum recommended him - apparently he has an amazing success rate with IF - and since my mum (who is a nutritional therapist) suspects I have a copper toxicity problem this would be the doctor to identify it and treat it. Copper toxicity is really interesting, when I read the profile of a copper toxic person I felt like I ticked all the boxes. The main problem with copper toxicity is that too much copper stops you absorbing zinc, which as I'm sure most are aware, plays a central role in fertility well-being. So it doesn't matter how much zinc is in my diet, I won't be absorbing it, which of course would have all sorts of repercussions. So it will be interesting to see what Dr. Shohet has to say about all that, plus anything else he might find in me or Mr. T.

The following day we are off to see Dr. Gorgy at the Fertility & Gynecology Academy. Dr. Gorgy follows the Dr. Beer approach to immunologic infertility (see the book in the previous post). A friend of mine had an appointment with him this Summer so I am fully aware of what to expect. An hour of going over our case history (I have already started gathering all of our paperwork and test results together), followed by an internal exam and extensive blood work. Dr. Gorgy tests for EVERYTHING. My friend had 15 vials of blood taken and so did her husband. I phoned my insurance company and thank GOD, they are paying for the consultation and all the tests. The consultation is 'only' 120 pounds (US$ 184) but the tests will come to around 2000 pounds (US $ 3071). Ouch. Pretty much all the blood gets sent off to Chicago and some others go to Greece, apparently these two labs are the only ones that do this kind of testing. I have to say my insurance company have really been paying out since we started TTC (and so have we when they wouldn't cover it). Though they have made it clear they won't pay for any treatment that may be required once the test results come through. Ugh. So I guess we'll cross that bridge when/if we come to it.

My idea is to get as much information from both doctors as possible, with their different perspectives, when the test results come in we'll know what we're dealing with and then reflect on how to move forward. A little nervous about finding something serious that prevents us moving forward as if it's something that requires an expensive and/or invasive treatment I know I will refuse. But I'm NOT gonna think about the what ifs now - just gonna focus on the appointments themselves and getting as much out of them as I can.

Plus my skillful planner side has come leaping out and I have peppered our flying IF investigations visit to the UK with appointments for other exciting things! Like our bed. Our first bed that is really and truly ours! Since we are in the process of building our first home (more on this soon), I have been doing lots of research (particularly after I lost the baby) into toxic chemicals especially ones found in the home. Apparently most beds and mattresses (let alone sheets, towels and furniture fabrics) off gas dangerous chemicals such as formaldehyde, which is a known carcinogen and mutagenic (i.e causes birth defects). Along with a whole host of other dangerous chemicals (or VOCs, volatile organic compounds). Now not wanting to go majorly overboard here, I selected a few items in our new home that because of the frequency of contact and prolonged use should be as non-toxic as possible. These include our bed, mattress, sheets, towels, wall-paint and carpet. I have managed to find companies that produce organic and/or non-toxic furnishings and paint for the home. It is really amazing what is out there and what people are coming up with. So I am going to try out the bed and mattress we have picked out from this very cool company called Abaca (check them out!), also I get to look through all the organic fabrics to choose one for our headboard which will be made at Harlands Organic Furnishings, then I get to test the carpet for our bedroom from Alternative Flooring (I have chosen t his pure wool one in Seashell, so soft!). Also I will pick up all our tester pots of paint from this amazing company called Ecos - their paints are the only ones in the EU that are entirely non-toxic and formaldehyde free. They even have paints that actually purify the air by absorbing the toxic chemicals in your home, how amazing is that! And a paint that absorbs electro magnetic radiation too! No-way dude.... but yes. I have learned so much about the alternatives and the dirty truth of what is in our standard paints and furnishings it's a little scary.

So all in all it will definitely be an information-filled trip - I'll probably be suffering from information overload by the end of it. But really. Really, really. In the end all I want from it is to hear that every thing's okay and that I will have a baby. But I suppose only a fortune-teller can tell me that. And I don't have an appointment with one of those.

Slight Change of Plan

2010-09-07T23:45:00.000Z

After my last post on Sunday morning, I got out of bed and quickly found myself feeling dizzy with all of my limbs aching and I was having difficulty moving around. I got back into bed complaining of everything feeling tired, me, my body, everything felt exhausted. I fell back to sleep for another 6 hours. I woke up and still felt crap. The next morning the same thing but not as acute. Anyway it turns out I had severe menstrual fatigue.

Menstrual fatigue is caused by low levels of hormones. I went to the doctor and found that my blood pressure was also on the low side too at 100/60. So he prescribed some Arginine to boost my energy levels, and it's been working, so I'm feeling better. But. I am now really concerned as to why that happened in the first place. So instead of attacking this cycle with clomid and an IUI, as planned (I even have the clomid in my handbag at this very moment) I want to do some more investigations into my general health and also the possible reasons why I miscarried, before embarking on any TTC hoopla.

Two things happened that made me change my mind about this cycle. The first was the menstrual fatigue and what might be interfering with my hormone levels - several tests to be done there. The second was a book a friend gave me called 'Is your body baby friendly?' by Dr. Alan Beer, which looks at immunological disorders as causes for miscarriage and unexplained infertility. Yes, Dr. Beer's approach is controversial among some circles but after reading the arguments it makes a lot of sense to me. And what I love is that this is the first Dr. I have come across who really gets what I'm going through - the pain, the distress, the hopelessness - but also the respect he has for the women who have been through IF hell and become experts in their own right and who often know more about their own fertility than the doctors treating them.

There is a part in the book which really really struck a chord with me:

The words "unexplained", "nothing more than chance" and "bad luck" are not consistent with medical terminology that is used to describe the majority of health disorders. This lottery language makes losing a baby sound like an accidental catastrophe: an indiscriminate and random act, like being struck by lightning or hit by a bus. Why, when we are dealing with the loss of a life and the utter devastation this creates, is the use of such words acceptable in modern medical practice? Beyond this, why does there seem to be little interest in finding out what exactly could be causing so many pregnancies to fail?

One woman recalling the events surrounding her miscarriage commented, "I wish when we lost our first baby, we could have had quick and easy testing that told us what went wrong. Then we could have done something that would have prevented it from happening again. But that's not the way it works. Sometimes the only way to know there is a problem for sure is to lose another baby. I hate that and am troubled by the practice."'

After my silent miscarriage and the chemical pregnancy, I know I really couldn't face another - so why not get tested? Then at least if there was anything I could get it fixed sooner rather than later and if there isn't then my mind would be somewhat at ease if I were to get pg again. It is insane if you think about it, that you are forced to have 3 miscarriages before they will even begin to consider something might be wrong. I am definitely saying NO to that.

The book is amazing and I have already read nearly 70 pages today. One thing that stood out for me and that has really made me question and reflect a lot today is this sentence which Dr. Beer repeats throughout the book: 'The reproductive system is incredibly overbuilt for success and when it fails, something is surely wrong.' Not that a miscarriage is bad luck but that there is something wrong and it needs to be investigated. Very far away from the 'just try again and hope for the best' mantra I am constantly being fed.

Also while reading the book I was alerted to this: "Dr. Beer has found that adult-onset chicken pox and the Epstein Barr virus are among the worst offenders in causing immunologic infertility." I got chicken pox for the second time three years ago (I know that's meant to be impossible but it turns out not for me!) and so I really want to know if that has had any effect on my fertility. Maybe not, but already down this long IF journey I know it's worth looking under every stone as you never know what you might find (like Mr. T's varicocele). So it's a big step but I want to get to the bottom of things as soon as possible before I continue on blindly. Will start organizing appointments tomorrow. Back in the driver's seat again. Let's see how far we get down the road this time.

Something Snapped

2010-09-05T10:20:00.001Z

As expected I POASed yesterday morning just to get another glorious BFN and then AF showed up punctually, as per, this morning. So another month goes by, another set of hopes crushed and I get ever closer to October. I dread to think what kind of emotional wreck I will be when THAT day comes along.

I started hyperventilating when I realised that after turning 30 (that was an emotional fuck-wit of a day which thankfully you all missed due to my blogging hiatus - I was a crumpled heap of tears and kleenex the day before my birthday, it was not a pretty sight) that if nothing happens by October I won't even have a baby before I turn 31 and then that will turn into 32 and on and on it goes. At which point Mr.T snapped at me: stop talking about numbers! It's all just numbers and it doesn't mean anything - stop putting this pressure on! To which I yelled back: IT'S ALL FUCKING NUMBERS! EVERYTHING! How many sperm you have - What number day I am on my cycle - what level my hcg is..... I always hated Maths.

For a moment we were quiet. We held each other and then started whispering our infertility mantras 'we have each other', 'i love you so much', 'we'll try again', 'it's not fair' - our monthly attempts to comfort ourselves. But something snapped this month. For both of us.

We decided to embark on a more aggressive path. Mr. T will go in for another SA. If all turns out okay we will start on an IUI but this time with drugs. For me. Oh yay. Since it's CD1 today, I'll head into the clinic tomorrow to check out what my options are. I'm presuming it's most likely to be clomid. Urgh. My anti-drug, mother-nature-knows-best principles are just flying out the window here.

But. There is a big emergency stop button here. If this doesn't work out, we will not pursue anymore treatments for a while we may even stop actively TTC. Neither of us feel that we have the emotional strength to pull through anymore bad news. Mr. T even feels (I will too most likely) that even if I did get pg he couldn't celebrate it as he would be terrified for the first 3 months - there is so much fear it's exhausting.

So if/when the emergency stop button gets pushed we will start actively pursuing adoption. The bottom line is we need a little person to love. And there are so many little people out there that need love. I have friends here in Morocco that run orphanages for abandoned babies and that's where we're gonna start looking into the process. Then our biggest challenge will be paperwork instead of our uncooperative bodies.

Deep breath. These are big steps for us. But we have to move forward. We have to.

I'm Still Here

2010-09-02T23:00:00.000Z

My blog is alive! I almost thought that when I typed in the web address it wouldn't come up. But here it still is and here I still am. I had planned to start blogging again months ago. But there was/is just too much pain and when I write it forces me to face it.

Partying, staying out late, busying myself with the build of our new home (yes it actually started and we even have a roof now - more to come on that later), and generally distracting myself with movies and tv, allows me to be free of the sadness and pain I still feel and I can pretend if just for a short while, that everything is okay and that I am happy with my child-less/free (delete as preferred) life.

But I suddenly felt that a dose of facing up to things, a spot of emotional truth and candour was needed. Yes there have been good times. I feel strong, I laugh, I rationalize. But there has also been tears, shouting, despair and the sharp stabbing of unhealed grief. Night time is always the worst. I miss my baby so much. I often think of what should have been. I should have been 36 weeks pregnant by now. I should have been almost due. Everyone tells me not to do this. And deep down I know there are no should haves. Only what is.

But there is also what will be. And that is sometimes harder to deal with. I was hoping I might be lucky and get pregnant quickly after the miscarriage. But that didn't happen. We tried another IUI - nope. God that hit me hard. A whole day in bed, in a dark room and a pillow full of tears. And everyone else's pregnancy and birth announcements roll in. Why can't I just be happy for my friends for fuck's sake? I mean they're my friends and just because they have babies doesn't mean that they are taking away my chance to. But perhaps I'm angry cos it's me who's on the wrong side of the statistics. And there's the ever-lurking fear that I will never get pregnant again.

Over the last 3 months I must have taken 10 pregnancy tests. Each one a Big F@*king Negative. I practically blinded myself under a halogen light trying to make sure there was no faint line that normal daylight was unable to reveal. And that is depressing. That I am back to square one in crazy TTC world. Squeezing my boobs at the end of the TWW, thinking that every time I feel tired or nauseous I could be.... I'm so terrified of not being pregnant at the end of the TWW, as I await the emotional onslaught the inevitable BFN will bring.

And it's heightened tonight as I write this post as I'm at the end of a TWW now. I don't even want to test or know. I just can't face another negative. If anyone tells me to be patient I might punch them. So you see, I'm back. Screwed up, neurotic, depressed and infertile. Deja-f@*king-vu.

A Bizarre Tale

2010-06-15T14:00:00.002+01:00

The last 24 hours have been really strange. But because of what happened it has made me return to my blog. You may have noticed that since my last post about getting on a plane to return home after my miscarriage recovery, that I just disappeared. Like my plane never landed but went into some weird parallel universe, LOST style.

In a way it did. When I got home I just wanted to start everything afresh. I wanted to be happy, chilled and put all the sorrow of the miscarriage and the heartache of the last 2 years of trying to get pregnant behind me. I will always carry my loss and the pain of 2 years of TTC but I am at peace with it all now. I am not angry or depressed as I once was. I really am in a good place and am enjoying my life and loving my Mr. T and my new que sera sera attitude. Part of being in that place was not blogging.

It's weird to admit as blogging has been a huge help to me in the past. But this time I felt it would suck me back into a world I didn't want to be in. I wanted to be free of the TTC worry and drama. I didn't want to get back on the hamster wheel of OPKs, the TWW and the nail-biting ending of the to POAS or not to POAS dilemma. So I decided to go it alone. To get back on the TTC wagon but without thinking about it too much - which meant not writing about it. And then it got all strange. And now I really need the advice of my blogging sisters.

Last week at about 11DPO I POASed and it was negative. Fine. I accepted it. I was not upset. I hadn't expected it to happen on the first month we started TTCing again. So I got on with my life. Exercising and dieting as I am desperate to lose the weight I put on while pregnant and then during my self-medication with chocolate to cope with my pregnancy loss.

Yesterday I realized I was 3 days late. So I thought I would do one more test just to be sure, to get any niggling doubts out of my mind. And. Unbelievably it was positive. There was a clear pink line in the test window. Faint but visible. Looks like I'm pregnant! To say Mr. T and I were surprised would be an understatement. We had got pregnant naturally! But the tale twists.

So we decided to go straight to the clinic and get a blood test to confirm it. A few hours later we had my beta: 9.92 - it's low. It's within the reference range for 4 weeks, but it's low. Last pregnancy I had a beta of 163 at 14 DPO. The Dr. at the lab doesn't think it's a viable pregnancy, or that I'm pregnant at all. He says, there may have been something there but it's gone now. However I read online that it is possible to have a healthy baby even with low HCG levels. But that evening I start spotting. When I awoke this morning I got my period. I went to see Dr. B to clear up all this confusion. He tells me I was never pregnant. That my urine test was not a positive and the 9.92 beta means I was not pregnant. But after speaking to friends and doing research on the internet I think I may have just experienced a chemical pregnancy. A beta of 9.92 is not normal for a non-pregnant woman. And a positive pregnancy test is a positive pregnancy test. My friends who also go to Dr. B think he didn't want to tell me that I just had a miscarriage as he is worried how I will react. I can believe this too. What he said just didn't make sense. Mr. T and I walked out of there even more confused.

If it was a chemical pregnancy, I am okay with it. I am not distraught at all. The reason I want to know is because it would mean Mr. T actually got me pregnant naturally. This is a big deal as it would be the first time egg and sperm met without medical intervention for us. What do you think of this bizarre episode? Did I just experience a chemical pregnancy?

Oh and by the way. It's good to blog again. Thanks for being patient with me :)

Going Home

2010-05-22T17:15:00.001+01:00

Mr. T and I are finally going home. We are getting on a plane and returning to life in Marrakech. We have been away for 6 weeks, staying at my parents and now it's time to go home.

I have so many mixed emotions about it. The last time I was in our house, in our bedroom, I was crying my eyes out and in shock. When I left it was under such intense sorrow, I'm scared those feelings will come back when I get home. So it is with a knot in my stomach that I prepare to head home. Perhaps instead of dwelling on my anxieties I should think of all the things I am looking forward to about going home.

1. Seeing my cats, Mika & Tigerlily - and Tigerlily's new kittens, who are 1 month old now.

2. Being in the hot sunshine.

3. The palm trees.

4. Seeing all my friends again. Especially lunch and drinks with my girlfriends.

5. Getting started on building our house.

Hmm, that's a good list. *Smiling*

It's time for life to get back to normal (whatever that is). It's time for me to get back into life's rhythm. But the one thing I am really really really not looking forward to is going back to work!!! I suppose I have to sometime and perhaps it will actually do me good. Better go now and finish off my packing...

My First .

2010-05-18T17:25:00.000+01:00

Not since I was 12 years old have I gone a month without the punctual arrival of Aunt Flo. But since my pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage I hadn't had a visit from AF since January. Now she's back. A very welcome visitor, for a change.

It's a weird feeling. First it's exhausting. I keep falling asleep. I have no energy and so I am just riding this wave out - getting over this pregnancy sometimes seems to be never ending! Secondly it's the beginning of the whole TTC palaver again. Something which I obviously want more than anything and there is no way I won't be TTC, but at the same time I am nervous too. When I got pg I thought yay, no more planned perfectly-timed sex, just sex for fun. No more crying when AF turns up and feeling down in the dumps all day, no more aching and feeling left out in the cold as the pregnancy and birth announcements roll in. But. I am back to step one. Back to getting egg and sperm to meet.

I have to admit I was totally and utterly naive and blissfully ignorant when I got pregnant. I HAD read all the pregnancy and birthing books (I had two years of TTC to get ready for this) but I still believed that once conception had actually happened then I would be fine. A miscarriage was definitely NOT on the cards for me. Now of course I know differently.

So. First step one. I know I will be very very upset if I don't get a BFP in the first few months. Everyone keeps telling me how quickly they or a friend or a friend of a friend got pg after a miscarriage - I am pinning so much hope on these rapid post-miscarriage pregnancies. I am trying to steel myself for another long journey but I just shudder when I think about it. So let's just not, okay? So let's just say for argument's sake that Mr.T's sperm are fine and we don't need to do another IUI. I reach step two. Egg and sperm have met. Implantation occurs, I POAS and get my BFP. Then I will be nervous as all hell. Every twinge, every ache. Mr. T is going to be a right pain in the ass - i say that with love. We are going to have to come up with some sort of strategy to get through it as when I reach step two it will all be about getting to that 3rd month and the scan. Head spinning anguish.

I always had in my mind that I would be one cool relaxed mama, just groovin' along with pregnancy and baby stuff (when it eventually happened) - I guess reality had a strong cup of triple espresso waiting for my delusional caffeine-free self. And so the TTC countdown begins again. Hmm feels familiar. Kinda like going back to school after the holidays...

Phew

2010-05-15T07:45:00.000+01:00

Just a quick post. I had my final post D & C check-up and scan yesterday. I was so nervous going in. Last time we were there the doc had scanned me and she thought she saw a rather large fibroid protruding into my uterus, just above where the placenta was. As a result it was twisting my uterus into a weird shape.

But. Thank God. There is no fibroid. My uterus has gone back to its pre-pregnancy shape and everything looked absolutely fine. No boomerangs. Or bananas. Or anything else weirdly V-shaped. Lining was good. I have the all clear. Phew.

The TTC wagon will be swinging by soon. I guess all I need to do is jump on. Hmmm not sure how I feel about being on that wagon again.

My Island Time

2010-05-13T11:50:00.002+01:00

I'm back and a whole new woman!

Island life really made me whole again.

The warm turquoise waters washed away my emptiness.

With every footstep the powdery white sand softened the ache.

The wind rustling through the leaves of the palm trees soothed my soul and seemed to whisper 'Everything is gonna be alright.'

But it was underwater where my heart was really healed and I remembered how beautiful the world still is and that there is so much to be thankful for....

The critically endangered hawksbill turtle. It was just him and me for a full 15 minutes swimming around the reef until he took a few gulps of air and disappeared into the deep blue below.

An ethereal eagle ray glided past us - its beauty and grace were really a sight to behold.

White tip reef sharks. The first time I have ever seen them. At first it was just a baby one. And then a fully grown adult. Your heart beats a little faster and the excitement is a rush.

Many black tip reef sharks. At one point on the reef Mr. T and I saw four of them swimming together we just stopped and stared in awe - just exhilarating.

And the dolphins... ah the dolphins... they jumped, spun and splashed their way into my newly-mended heart.

Thank you the Maldives!

It was just the medicine the doctor couldn't prescribe.

Paradise Healing

2010-04-27T08:00:00.000Z

Tomorrow Mr. T is taking me here.

My husband is FABU.

Also thanks go out to my wonderful friend Nathalie who hooked this all up for us. She is amazing too.

So going offline for a while. Healing in paradise. See you on the other side.

The Aftermath

2010-04-25T15:15:00.004Z

Now there is some distance from the shock of losing my baby I feel I can write about what going through a silent miscarriage is like - physically and mentally. Nearly two weeks on since I had my d & c and three weeks since I discovered the terrible truth, I am still very much feeling the physical and mental aftermath of my silent miscarriage.

Knowing I was carrying around a dead baby was a weird feeling. I went from never wanting to let it go, to hating the fact that the fetus was still there and making me feel pregnant for nothing - to feeling scared that I was going to contract an infection. I felt quite morbid and uneasy being so close to both life and death, but at the same time strangely comforted as it gave me time to still feel close to my baby before we had to say goodbye. The day of the d & c I felt an overwhelming mixture of anxiety, relief and sorrow. I felt sick with the intensity of it all.

Immediately after the d & c there was a lot of blood. I was quite sore and felt really delicate. When I left the hospital I was prescribed some strong painkillers to take as needed. I was expecting to experience painful cramps and a lot more bleeding but I didn't. I didn't have to take the painkillers once. I still consider this to be a good sign. That perhaps the d & c procedure had been more gentle - Mr. T and I had been really emphasizing how nervous we were about the risks of scarring to the OBGYN. We had read a lot of information about how some women's fertility had been compromised drastically after scarring following a d & c. I was so nervous about someone taking blunt instruments into my womb - it scared me a lot. We had done some research and found that the rates of scarring went up significantly if the d & c procedure was done blind, i.e no imaging so the OBGYN can see what they are doing. We stated specifically to the consultant that we wanted it to be a guided d & c - where they use ultrasound throughout the procedure. Over the phone the consultant agreed to this and we agreed to the procedure. Once we were in the hospital she mentioned that they might use ultrasound if the machine was available. I freaked out. So did Mr. T. I was about to say no, to say that I didn't want to go through with it. I kept my composure and said to the consultant, please I don't want this done blindly, I want this to be a guided procedure. Okay she said, we'll get the machine in the operating theatre. After she left, I turned to Mr. T - how can we know that they'll actually use the machine? I will be completely out - how will I know she's not just saying this to me? Earlier the hospital had made me sign a consent form for the procedure. Mr. T took the form back and said that we wanted it specifically stated that this would be a guided procedure and that we wanted it signed by the doctor. We got the paperwork signed and I felt slightly more relieved but still incredibly nervous. While I was lying in the preparation room, about to be knocked out, the OBGYN arrived wearing her scrubs and said to me, I just want you to know we have the ultrasound machine in the operating room and we will be using it through the procedure. I was glad she had taken the trouble to let me know this. When I awoke from the d & c I could feel the dried gel on my belly. Some small relief in the midst of the anguish I felt when I awoke.

A guided procedure makes so much more logical sense. Wombs are sensitive things - a blunt instrument can do a lot of permanent damage, it is really up to the skill and experience of the OBGYN and I'm sure that the ultrasound greatly aids this. I definitely think any woman who is faced with having a d & c should advocate for a guided procedure.

After the d & c I bled lightly for a few days and then everything stopped. I had very little pain or cramping and by the fourth day it was all gone. I thought it was all over, now I just had to wait and see how my cycles would kick back in. However nothing uterus-related seems to be straightforward. A week later I started bleeding again. Then it stopped. A few days later I went to the bathroom to find my pants soaked through. And then nothing. I phoned my doctor in Morocco and in the UK and they assured me this was all normal. So I just wear my old underwear now as you never know when the bleed will strike. Let alone all the other strange bits of material that randomly appear from me at the moment. It's all part of the healing process which requires surrendering to the current reality and having the patience to know that it will eventually pass.

The emotional aftermath in a strange way also mirrors the on and off aspect of the physical effects of the miscarriage. At times I am laughing and thinking of the future with Mr. T. Other times I feel numb and gloomy and then I just burst into tears. And other times I feel philosophical about it all, I talk with my baby and with God and realize that this is just part of a much bigger plan. I still miss our baby terribly. I think of my baby everyday and how hard it is to say goodbye. A lot of people say 'Don't worry you'll get pregnant again' (which is hard to believe after you spent two years trying for your first pregnancy) which really upsets me too. It seems to negate the little one that was growing inside me. It also doesn't let me grieve. Parenthood for Me wrote a brilliant article called 'Misunderstanding Miscarriage' where she spoke of how this kind of loss is not validated and parents aren't allowed to grieve properly as the baby is not seen as a real-life person yet. Many don't appreciate that parents can love and be so attached to a child from very early on. Mr. T and I were. This was the baby we had longed and ached for. This was the baby Mr. T had had surgery for. We loved this baby from the moment it was conceived. For three months I had been talking with this baby and trying to be the best mother I could be. And perhaps this is the hardest thing. The adjustment from being two, to just being one.

At this point I have accepted that this happened to me. I have accepted that my baby is gone. And I have accepted that there is life after this. What we need now is time. Time. The most powerful healer.

Something Good

2010-04-21T23:10:00.003Z

Well two good things actually.

Tigerlily had her babies last week (actually on the same day I had my d & c. Go figure.) She gave birth to three kittens but one was stillborn. The two lil cuties above are doing very well. Thanks to Tigerlily, who has been amazing, she is taking such good care of them, feeding them well and is very very protective. She doesn't leave them alone for long, only to eat and use her litter tray. Then she is back to cleaning them and keeping them warm. I know all of this because friends of ours are looking after her for us (and sending us much demanded photos). Although I am so happy for Tigerlily, I am so sad I can't be there with her. I just want to cuddle those kittens and give her lots of love and support. It doesn't seem that long ago when she was just a kitten herself and joined our family, actually it really wasn't! So here are the pictures that made me smile (and cry a little too).

Sigh. This just beams love.

We were going to have Tigerlily spade after her first litter but now we see her super-cute kittens and what a good mum she is, we're thinking..... maybe just one more litter?

Reality Bites

2010-04-19T16:55:00.000Z

Everyday I go for a walk. I breathe in the fresh air and remind myself that the world is still turning. The sun rises and the sun sets. I cry a little less each day. I have started brushing my hair again. Flossing my teeth. All the things I stopped doing as they seemed so insignificant, so pointless in the presence of so much pain.

The toughest time is first thing in the morning. I still dream that I am pregnant. I dream of the baby that was supposed to be here in October. And when I wake up in the morning I still think that I am pregnant for a second or two. As my eyes flutter open and I see that morning light has filled the bedroom, the dream-world fades and being pregnant becomes just a memory. Just a wonderful, beautiful memory.

It hurts when I realize that becoming a mum in 2010 is impossible now. There will be no 2010 baby. I was so happy to think that I would have a baby this year. I would have been a mum in my 30th year. I would have been 6 months pregnant on my 30th birthday. All this hurts so much. It scares me to think I have to suffer through these landmarks, always knowing what should have been in the back of my mind.

Right now it feels like I was never really pregnant. That it was all really just a dream. It was simply a glimpse at another life. A glorious joy filled life. And I feel like I have just dropped 1000 feet. Slammed back down to reality. So this is what forgetting to pack a parachute feels like. Ouch.