Infertility Sucks

Nowadays my blog is all about baby, parenting, and well let's face it, poop (I talk about poop a lot, so my sister tells me). But it wasn't always so. For years I talked about the YEARNING, the countless doctors appointments and the pain of our struggles trying to get (and stay) pregnant.

Our journey in brief:

Girl & Boy get hitched in 2007

Girl & Boy decide in 2008 they would really like to have a Baby join their adventures

But Baby doesn't make an appearance

Girl & Boy take fertility tests at the end of 2008

Boy's tests come back really bad

Girl & Boy told naturally conceiving a child will be impossible

Girl starts infertility blog in 2009

That year Boy discovers he has varicoceles

Boy gets varicoceles embolized mid-2009

Girl gets pregnant at the beginning of 2010 via unmedicated-IUI

Girl suffers a silent miscarriage discovered at 12 weeks. Sigh.

Girl & Boy have broken hearts and decide to take a break

Mid 2010 Girl realizes she just had a chemical pregnancy. Sigh.

Boy has fantastic results from new fertility tests

Girl sees miracle-worker Dr. S and begins new diet

Nov 2010 Girl gets pregnant the old fashioned way

Jan 2011 scan confirms Baby is alive and well

Baby Bu is born at home on August 1st 2011. 

Phew. She's here!

I put together a collection of my past posts that capture the heartache and the hope that characterized this time in our lives. This blog was my therapy. My way of dealing with all the crap infertility throws at you and the multiplicity of directions your head spins, in any given moment. But it was also a place of support and information. I found that fellow IFers not only understand what you are going through better than anyone else but also know more about fertility and TTC issues than any doctor I know. So click on any of the links below to read my past posts about our struggle with infertility. You can also get in touch by emailing me at: thepitterpatterblog@gmail.com

My Infertility Journey

When we started our TTC journey back in 2008 I was convinced I would get pregnant pretty quickly. Check out my TTC book journey  to see just how this all changed. I felt isolated and alone when I found out I could not get pregnant. So I started to blog. It helped. In fact it saved me my sanity. I learned a load of TTC-blogging abbreviations and found an amazing community of fellow infertility bloggers. I realized how important it is to share your IF story and to talk about how the TTC craziness can get to you and the effect it has on your relationship.

There was a lot of pain on the journey. Of course there was the physical pain of IF investigations, but also the emotional fallout each time the unwelcome visitor dropped by. Then there was the impatiently waiting your turn when it feels like everyone else is pregnant, dealing with the pain of countless BFNs, then running the TTC hamster wheel again, learning to cope with a sometimes uncooperative partner, doing scary TTC Math, and accepting that things won't work out as you'd planned, hitting rock bottom with the no-baby-yet blues, dreaming of two pink lines, head spinning confusion, and finally realizing that TTC is taking over my life. I will even admit to seriously considering some weird fertility charms and rituals.


When we learned that Mr. T had Male Factor Infertility we did everything we could to find out how to resolve this problem naturally: we researched sperm, we found out how important nocturnal scrotal cooling is, and even watched the great sperm race documentary to understand what Mr. Ts swimmers were up against. Then we found out that Mr. T had varicoceles. I looked back over our infertility journey to this point, and we finally booked into the hospital and Mr. T got that sucker embolized. Then we had to wait at least 74 days for the embolization to have any effect but in reality they tell you to wait 6 months before you MAY see results. Well 6 months later and Mr. T got wonderful results - the embolization worked!


So we went back to trying to get pregnant through IUI and the waiting and hoping, and then seeing my first two lines ever! Which put me over the moon and we even saw a heartbeat at 7 weeks, only to have it all collapse on us when I had a silent miscarriage and we didn't find out until the 12 week scan. Oh the grief! I wrote about my healing and dealing with the reality that baby and all those dreams were no more. So we went on holiday and took a break from all things TTC. And then when I did not expect to get pregnant at all, we had a chemical pregnancy - which was sad and weird at the same time. We kept on trying month after month and Mr. T did another round of fertility tests and found out that Mr. T's swimmers were incredibly improved, in fact perfect numbers. So that meant it must be me this time.


I saw two very different doctors and got a new plan. This was a natural plan following the functional medicine approach. I followed the plan to the letter and felt amazing and positive about the future and then just two weeks later it happened. I was pregnant. We went through an excruciating 12 weeks hoping that everything would be okay, flip flopping between believing this pregnancy was THE ONE to imagining it was already over. I refused to be scanned until 12 weeks as I am not convinced of the safety of scanning since my first miscarriage. In fact the UK charity Foresight, advises against them in the early stages of pregnancy for this reason. I did some healing therapy to deal with the past miscarriage and then at 12 weeks we saw our baby alive and well on the ultrasound. 


I worked hard at keeping fit and healthy throughout my pregnancy and on August 1st 2011 our little girl, Beanie Bu, was born at home, the way I had always wanted. 


While I wish I never had to experience the pain that infertility brought, (and I really f@**ing wish I never had to experience miscarriage as that was the most miserable time of my life), I know all these experiences have made me a better mother. Maybe I wouldn't have been as patient, as compassionate or as grateful as I am today. It's impossible to know. But when I look into my daughter's eyes, when I see her smile at me, and yes, even when she wails like a banshee - I know it has all been profoundly worth it. 


Wishing you lots of luck on your TTC journey, I hope these posts can offer some useful information, support and encouragement down that road.